The BFF Question...

[Iztaccihuatl]

I think I have the need for a female BFF, somebody who fully accepts me as her female BFF, who is not afraid to be seen with me in public, who would always be on my side. Someone who takes me 'under her wings' to go shopping, helps / educates me on stuff like cosmetics, fashion, etc. Someone who is not afraid to point out if I went totally overboard (a common thing with us trans folks), who lets me know how and where I could improve (like mannerisms, speech patterns, etc). And somebody with whom I can just have a cup of tea and chat.


My dilemma is that I am married and was hoping that my wife could become that BFF, but she is still struggling with me being trans and does not want anybody to know about me being trans and is embarrassed being seen with me as a woman even in places where nobody knows us. Now, as a good husband I have never cultivated any friendships with other women because my wife wouldn't have appreciated that, so all female friends we have are primarily my wife's friends. And, to be honest, I have never been good at making friends to begin with.


So, the million dollar question for me is how to find that BFF? Have any of you ladies here have had that dilemma and how did you go about addressing it? Or, is having that BFF way too overrated since you all are my virtual BFFs anyway?


Hugs,


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

Hi Heidemarie,

I only have one such female friend. She would help me with all the stuff you mentioned if I asked her. She's trans so she completely understands what I'm going through. I met her through a different online forum group. We discovered that we only live about 25 minutes apart.

Have you given any thought to joining a face-to-face support group? They will be full of friends who would probably be happy to help you. Plus they've been in the same boat as you, so they'll know exactly what you're going through.

Hope that helps,

Lexxi

Thanks, Lexxi, for your ideas. Where I live there isn't a local support group, I would either have to drive 75 minutes to the closest support group or 150 minutes to attend another. I usually go to the closer one, they meet once a month, but especially recently it is more of a social group than a support group. There are a few regulars who kind of form a club within the club and are not necessarily my cup of tea and a lot of folks who come once or twice and then disappear for a while, so this is not the ideal setting to get to know someone, especially for a more introvert person like me. Plus, there is a number of trans masculine and non-binary folks there as well who wouldn't qualify as a prospective BFF.


The other support group (the one farther away) is more of a support group with topics and a moderated discussion, but due to the distance I have only attended once.


Heide

[Iztaccihuatl]

Heidemarie, wie probably could meet up once in a while, and I could do things with you.  Let's talk about this.

Thanks, Linde, for that offer. That would be cool if it wasn't for 12-hour drive from where I live to your place!


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

Heidemarie, my soon to be ex wife intends being my BFF, though it will take a while for her to be comfortable going out with me. She is not very girly, so not useful for makeup tips and such. After our divorce goes through, I will develop my relationships with other cis women and hopefully learn from them. A couple seem to have already taken me under their wing, introduced me to their salon, and are advising me on improving my look. I think having cis friends can be invaluable in learning how to be a woman, after all, it’s how they all learned!

Hugs,

Allie

That is really great that you have found some cis women to hang out with. I agree that it would be invaluable to have cis friends of the same gender!


Heide

[Iztaccihuatl]

Heidemarie,

I'm not sure but I think it might be a little bit overrated.
I have woman talk with my grown daughter, I don't think that this counts as BFF.

Based on what you write I think your wife would have an issue with a BFF of yours, only maybe an old lady would be acceptable, but I'm not sure if you would get the info's relevant for you age group.

Hugs,
Thessa

I am imagining the advice from an old lady: "Back in the 80ies, when I was your age,..." She'd probably teach me how to knit and crochet and soon I'd be admitted in the Goldhauben-unit...


(For the non-Austrians here, below is what a Goldhaube looks like. Usually they are hand-made by groups of predominantly older women, chit-chatting all the time. They are worn in some regions of Austria, especially among the Danube, as part of a traditional outfit featuring a Dirndl dress).

[Iztaccihuatl]

I have only my Kremser Dirndl and I don't have any use for a Goldhaube 😉

I would love having a Dirndl for myself, but with my 6'6" (198cm) frame I think there is little chance to find one that fits well, except for sewing one myself...

[Iztaccihuatl]

We could meet half ways, and stay overnight or something like this!

Be careful, I might take you up on this!

[Kiera]

Thanks, Linde, for that offer. That would be cool if it wasn't for 12-hour drive . .

Atlanta IS somewhere in-between?

Based on what you write I think your wife would have an issue with a BFF of yours . .

Aye and I DO 'ave some prior experience with spousal warfare er, I mean negotiations between mine & others . . .

      So... it's the 'ole "I'm ok with this as long as nobody else knows" trick which just ain't gonna fly! It was indeed HER waving someone's "vaginal prosthetic" in divorce court it certainly wasn't "I"! And, lol looking around all redfaced, do swear that: every single clerk in that courthouse was "in the wings" and "all ears" . . .!

And nothing like a 'lil GREAT SHAME to
purge oneself of ALL SUBSEQUENT FEARS!

So guess who's "out" regardless! But guess who also got automatic custody when "my youngest" turned 14!

6 And you, son of man, be not afraid of them, nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions. 2 Be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house.

( OMG lol parts of above actually RHYMES! )

[Iztaccihuatl]

I'm 188cm and I found one quit easy.
So maybe you could find something, the only "issue" could be that the length wouldn't be traditional.
But today there are many Kurzdirndl anyway.

That leaves still 10cm or 4" difference, half of it on the legs, half of it on the torso, which usually makes for a very high waistline. And a Dirndl with empire waist does look funny...


I also don't like the ones with a hemline above the knees, they remind me either of the 70ies or of some hyper sexualized party or role play Dirndls.

[Iztaccihuatl]

Atlanta IS somewhere in-between?

Sounds like we all need to meet in Atlanta then?

[Iztaccihuatl]

So sahen die Frauen in meiner Heimat damals aus, und an den Fuessen trug man Klompe, wie man sie auch oft in den Niederlanden sieht.  Ich besitze noch ein Paar Sonntags (bemalt)und Wochentags (Arbeits) Klompe

Mein Vater hatte solche Klompe(n?), die waren ein Souvenir aus Amsterdam, aber er trug sie manchmal wenn er im Keller an etwas arbeitete...

[Iztaccihuatl]

What do you girls wear mostly?  here most women wear pants, mostly Capris, or leggings/yoga type pants.  I have some of those, but don't really  like to wear them.  If I wear pants, I wear Capris.  But most of the times I like to wear skirts, and for hat mostly longer, wider ones, because thy allow me to you "commando" in very warm weather!

I realize that most women wear pants most of the time, but for me they don't feel right. Here is why: I don't have the wider hips and narrower waist that women typically have, therefore any pants look awful on me in the sense that I look very masculine in them. On the other hand if I use skirts with an A-shape that flare out, it does give me an accentuated waist line and the entire body shape looks much more feminine. I would love to wear more pants, but until I develop narrower hips and a wider waist I'll continue to avoid them. Its a pity because I do have some nice long legs...


Also, with pants I have to tuck, while with most of the skirts I don't, which makes them much more comfortable to wear.

[Iztaccihuatl]

I can tell you this...I'd never wear those things if I went out dancing.

If you are dancing with a guy who is not very skilled at that you might need those shoes as a protective measure!