Iztaccihuatl's Blog

[Iztaccihuatl]

I wanted to go ahead and start my own thread here, which I view somewhat as a blog. I don't want to call it my story since I don't know the end yet, nor call it my transition since I am still in an exploratory phase and don't know if I'll ever transition at all, so for the time being I'll stick with blog. The first few entries will be a carry-over form another forum, please stick with me if you have already read them elsewhere.My name is Heidemarie. The short form Heide works for me too, although I feel Heidemarie sounds much nicer to me. Just don't call me Heidi, because thats a little girl in the Swiss alps as we all know and in my 50ies I am a little bit beyond the little girl stage. Until very recently I have been hiding behind my username 'Iztaccíhuatl' which is Nahuatl (the language of the Aztecs) and means 'White Woman'. It is also the name of a mountain southeast of Mexico City (depicted in my current avatar) and a protagonist in a beautiful and tragic love story (just look up the Legend of Popocatépetl and Iztaccíhuatl on Wikipedia). And yes, I have already climbed that mountain! (A quick mountaineering detail: the standard route starts below the toes, follows the ridge over the knees, the hips, across the belly glacier and up the chest. Yes, her boobs are the highest point, at an altitude of 5286m or a little bit below 16,000ft.)


Most folks start their personal threads with a recap of their gender issues through their lives and I'll try to attempt the same without getting too longwinded and boring. Contrary to many stories I have read I didn't know through my early childhood that anything was different about me. I guess I really didn't have a gender identity or a very weak one and I was just simply told that I was a boy and that it was sooo much better being a boy or man vs. being a girl or woman (we are talking about the mid 60ies here), that I simply accepted that without asking any questions. And for many years that was cool with me. Only in my mid to late teenage years did I start wondering what it would feel like being a girl, wearing skirts and dresses, having boobs and a vagina, wearing a bra and pantyhose and applying makeup and styling my hair. I always dismissed those thoughts as phantasies or maybe even a fetish. My first crossdressing experience falls in that time period as well. I couldn't enjoy it since I was always on the lookout if someone was coming and later I had feelings of guilt because thats not something a young man does. Interesting enough, the phantasies of being a woman never bothered me, I actually liked them. I also noticed that movies with crossdressing or gender swap themes (like Tootsie, Switch, 2nd Service or the Rocky Horror Picture Show) deeply resonated with me as did any articles or TV documentaries and discussions about transsexuals.


I had my first girlfriend at a relatively late age of 21 and that pushed the trans feelings into the background, although I still kept wondering how it would feel having breasts and how it would feel for my girlfriend when I touched her. Later I got married and we have 2 kids and that time was really busy and all those thoughts wer pushed even further into the background. Only in 2005 my interests in transgender topics resurfaced and I started crossdressing again with single ill-fitting garments from my wife. I felt it looked ridiculous (which it did) and because of the fact that I am not attracted to men and didn't hate my penis I still came to the conclusion that this is just a fetish. And I told myself thanks god I am not transgender, because at 6'6" with a broad build I would never be able to pass and I would never be able to find clothes that fit.


Well, those trans feelings started to intensify about 5 years ago. I came across a bra that actually fit me in band size and that led to getting panties, later a skirt and blouse, then shoes and breast forms and all that secretly behind my wife's back. One day when nobody was home I even drove around in my car at night dressed as a woman. The mental pressure started to build up with more intense trans feelings and I came to the conclusion that I actually might be somewhere on the transgender spectrum but I needed to find out where (I am still trying to find out the exact answer). Also, the secrecy was taking its toll and just a year ago I came out to my wife and started seeing a therapist. My wife was shocked and still is pretty unhappy about this woman business of mine, but tolerates me presenting as a woman at home to some degree. More on my issues with my wife in a separate post.


Since then I have joined a support group, have gone out with them in public twice and I am using my therapy sessions as an outlet for leaving my house as a woman, although I take great pains that I don't run into anybody who would know me.


What I have found out is that this is still not enough, I am dreaming of presenting as a woman at work and to my friends and live full time as a woman, but social pressures from my wife and fear of coming out to anybody else keep me back locked in at home. My kids, who are in college now, still don't know, nor does my family. More on the social pressures in separate posts as well.


That's it for now, hope this wasn't too long and thanks to all who are willing to read this.


Heidemarie (aka Iztaccíhuatl)

[Iztaccihuatl]

Here is my next entry I am carrying over to this blog here:



Where is the Point of no Return?


As someone who is still in her exploratory phase I have been thinking a lot recently about the question of if and where the point of no return might be.


The medical professionals seem to be thinking that GRS is the point of no return as once something is removed and reconfigured it can’t be changed back. Everything else before that can mostly be undone. Hence the emphasis of getting two letters for GRS and the requirement to live full time for a year before GRS.


But what about FFS? If done before GRS, one is already so far down the path that it seems impossible to turn back.


Or the start of HRT? Yes, by switching back to T the effects of E will be undone (although a mastectomy might be necessary), but would one want to go back after having felt the effects of estrogen? I personally would lean towards thinking that the start of HRT is the point of no return.


Or is there even such a thing as a point of no return? One could argue that once we realized and accepted that we are transgender we are already on our journey, irregardless of the individual speed of the trip.


I am pondering these questions because I would like to start HRT, but have the fear that that crosses a threshold after which for all practical means there is no way back. Simply because HRT eventually forces me to come out to family and friends and at work. Because HRT will confirm and intensify my feminine feelings and needs. I guess it is just my rational side speaking who wants to keep all her options open...


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

And here is the last piece I am carrying forward:



The Spousal Situation


My biggest issue and the main one holding me back is the situation with my wife. So, let’s start from the beginning.


I came out to her in November of 2018, a little bit over a year ago. She kind of knew something was up and she suspected that I would come out as gay to her. And that would have been not exactly totally, but kind of okay with her as long as I wouldn’t seek a relationship with a man and we would keep quiet about that.


I told her that I have those thoughts of wanting to be a woman and that I wanted to see a gender therapist to help me to sort things out and to understand where on the trans spectrum I would fit in. And that news was totally devastating to her. I know that she cried a lot when I wasn’t at home.


She did search the internet for transgender related topics, but the stuff that most resonates with her are all those debunked articles about so many folks regretting having transitioned, and all the dangers of transitioning, and those few folks not feeling happier after transitioning, etc. In other words, not very helpful info.


Our current status quo is that she tolerates me presenting female at home, but doesn’t want anybody else to know about this and doesn’t want to be seen with me presenting female. And she internally cringes each time I put on female clothes, but doesn’t show it too much.


As best I can tell she is trying to contain this “Heide Situation” as much as she can, ideally Heidemarie stays in the closet, but her compromise is to tolerate her at home, the less frequent, the better. Of course this runs completely counter to my needs.


Very recently we had a discussion about what she thinks of me when I present female. The short answer was: ridiculous. While on the one hand I appreciate her brutal honesty (at least I know what I am dealing with), this statement really did hurt a lot. I kind of understand where she is coming from, since the first time I wore a female outfit and looked at myself in the mirror (with short hair, body hair all over, no makeup, etc) I didn’t particularly like the man in a dress view either, but it doesn’t make the hurtful feeling any less.


Another recent episode was when I left for one of my therapy appointments (I always present female for those), I came home a little bit early from work, changed, put on my makeup and left the house. Meanwhile she was out running errands. When I was about to get into my car, she came home and was visibly annoyed that I left a bit later than expected and she ran into me as Heidemarie. She didn’t say much except for that she hoped that I was already gone by the time she came home and that hurt very deeply.


Now, I have to say that we love each other a lot, never have any arguing. She is superficially supportive, sometimes brings gifts for Heidemarie, we go together on shopping trips (me in male mode of course, but we usually find something for Heide as well), etc.


We both would like to make this work, it is just that our visions of how that would work are diametrically different: She would like to see at most occasional cross dressing at home, but socially would still have her tall and strong and handsome husband on her side, while I would like to take steps towards transition and live with her as housemates and BFFs.


So, in the meantime I just keep trying to push the limits towards establishing a new normality at home and hopefully at some point beyond our home.


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

Heidemarie, the point of no return for true trans people is  when you were still a foetus and your brain formed differently to the rest of your body. From there  you were on the path, and there is no way to get off it! All you can do is manage your dysphoria as best you can.

Allie

Allie, I guess you are right. What I meant to say is that I still have a wall of defense around me, which is not knowing first hand how I would feel with Estrogen floating through my veins. After all, nobody on this forum here or any other similar form has ever stated that they would voluntarily stop taking estrogen once they have started (except for trans men of course). In that sense starting on a low dose HRT and wanting to increase the dosage after a while would be a confirmation that I am truly on the feminine end of the trans spectrum. I guess in the end it all comes down to if my dysphoria is or gets bad enough that I actually want that wall to come crushing down no matter the consequences at home, with family and friends or at work.

[Iztaccihuatl]

Heidemarie, your spousal situation describes almost perfectly where I was 10 years ago!  I told my wife before we got married, and she initilly supported me dressing at home, but became nervous as she realised how important it was to me, then I was restricted to only times when she wasn’t around. Over a couple of years I was late getting changed back and she was early getting home, and it was ridiculous for me to be changing in a panic so she didn’t have to see me. She finally relented and allowed me to be me all the time I was home, but nobody else could know. She said I looked ridiculous and she would be so embarrassed if anyone saw me she would leave me immediately.

This continued for years until I became very sick a year ago, and she feared I was going to die. No medications worked until we tried hormones, and my 8 month illness was cured within a couple of days. It was plain I must transition or die, and she supported me going on HRT, but said she would leave me as she simply couldn’t be married to a woman. We have had a very emotional and challenging year, as we both love each other, and realise we would not find anyone more compatible, so we agreed to divorce and stay together as friends. This has changed her entire perspective, and she is happy to tell her friends and family about me, and is supporting my transition. She will be with me at my GRS operation in a year.

Everyone is different, but from a very similar situation as yours we have found a way to stay together. I hope you can also find a soluion.

You are right, except for the sickness part your story sounds eerily familiar. I hope that my wife and I can find a similar path as you did. I can fully envision us living together as friends and roommates, however I don't see the point of getting divorced if we stayed together. Just from a financial (taxes) perspective it would be much more rational if we remained married. I mean what is the point of forking over hard earned money to lawyers and the government just so we can claim to all folks around us that we are just friends? I guess we can claim this anyway, irregardless of what the tax authorities think...


That reminds me of an interesting article in an Austrian newspaper I read recently, they have a series about patchwork and non-traditional families and one installment was about a couple who have been knowing each other since ages and have been roommates since decades, but with the twist that he is gay and she is heterosexual. Recently they decided to get married, but it is an unconventional marriage where they have separate bedrooms and each one has sex outside the marriage. I can envision that as well, except for the separate rooms, since I have a suspicion that in this case I'd be the one who has to move out of the master bedroom...


Hugs,


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

I can't say very much to this, cause I never had any of this experience.  My body was my bell, once my boobs started to grow, I had to follow the lead.  I was divorced at that time already.  However thinking back, my bell rang when my menopause started, cause that meant the end of my marriage.  But I did not know this at that time what he reason for my anger and almost hate was. Looking back with my knowledge of today, the entire thing was totally screwed up!  And it caused lots of hurt for me and my ex!
I am, however a very happy woman now, and sometimes wish that fate would not have screwed me over and I could have lived my life he way I was supposed to, as a female from the beginning on.  I just can only dream about the life I could have had as a teenager with dating and everything a young female experiences (but I am glad that i never had any periods), and i have not and never had a close relation to babies.  I would not have been a good mother!  I seem to try to catch up on that now, cause my daughter accuses me to do helicopter parenting to her!
I hope you all have the chance to become a happy woman as I am!

The nice thing about being a grandmother is that you can spoil the grandkids and when they overwhelm you, you can always hand them back easily to their stressed out parents. Just keep the helicopter parenting a bit in check, will you? It would stress them out even more...

[Iztaccihuatl]

So this is 2020 and what have we done?


I just wanted to comment a bit on my New Year's Eve, which was a pretty sad day for me.


First, it was my last day at work. I am in IT management, somewhere in the upper middle of the management hierarchy, and the top IT brass has decided to outsource the entire IT operation to an Indian IT outfit and everybody was laid off except for a handful of folks consisting of upper management close to the CIO and some deep down hands on folks whom they need to ensure that the outsourcer doesn't screw things totally up. Since I have never been eager to be too close to any of my superiors, I was part of the over 100 folks who got laid off. So I spent the morning clearing out my office and signing paperwork, etc. I am mostly seeing this from a positive angle, as a new beginning and a chance to make contributions to a different kind of business, but actually cleaning out the office and handing over the laptop and employee badge after 15 years with the company was still an emotional thing to do.


Now, I did know of this for quite a while and have already been interviewing for other positions. A few weeks back I had an in-person interview which I felt went pretty well and I actually liked the place and the business, but on New Year's Eve there came the second whammy in the form that the headhunter advised me that they likely will not extend an offer.


I am glad that I am not a depressive kind of person and I would consider myself mentally pretty stable (even my therapist mentioned that), so I was still able to have a nice New Year's Eve dinner with my wife and we celebrated the New Year with a nice rosé champagne.


I guess tomorrow it is time to pay the local labor department office a visit and apply for unemployment benefits. Together with a decent severance package we should be financially on stable ground for a while. And continue the job hunting efforts with full steam.


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

Heidemarie I really hope you find a job soon, as you don't need more pressure in your life. Our divorce was purely to get my soon to be ex wife out of the mindset of being married to a woman. Here we can fill out our own divorce paperwork online and the cost is about US $700, which to us was well worth it to stay together. It didn't make sense to me, but if it makes her feel better it was worth doing.

Hugs,

Allie

Sounds like the divorce was the right move in your scenario. I guess we'l see hopefully soon how and where we will and up...

[Iztaccihuatl]

...interesting article in an Austrian newspaper...
Do you have a link?

Sure. Here you go:
https://www.derstandard.at/story/2000112042557/verheiratete-freunde-es-ist-liebe-nur-anders

[Iztaccihuatl]

Why can't guys dress nicely?

Occasionally I am attending a trans support group which attracts a mixed crowd, among them also a couple of trans men. I noticed that they are all dressed pretty poorly, jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, baseball cap. Like they are ready for tailgating or so. What is it with men that they can never dress just a bit nicely?


Or am I just too old-fashioned?


Heidemarie

[Iztaccihuatl]

Being out in public

I guess its about time for a little update on my blog. I just came back from an evening out with some folks from my support group. Out as in: out in public!


We went to a restaurant and had dinner there. It was very pleasant and we didn't have any issues with other folks, etc. This wasn't the first time I was out in public, but it has been a while and I am still feeling some euphoria about the evening.


I did make an interesting observation: I always thought I would be afraid / ashamed being out in public and being seen as a guy in a dress (without FFS I would never have a chance at passing), but I realized that I simply don't care what other people whom I don't know think about me! But I also realized that I do care a lot what people whom I do know think of me (I am only out to my wife and the folks in the trans support group, nobody else). So, what I am really afraid of is running into someone whom I know. Now, you usually don't run into friends or acquaintances when going to a restaurant, but once in a blue moon it does happen. And that scares the shit out of me.


So, I guess tonight I played the lottery and nothing happened, but will I always be so lucky? And worse yet, many people I know are connected to each other, because of the social circles we share, like sports clubs, work, church, etc. As soon as somebody knows my little secret by running into me, rumors would start. And that's what really frightens me, because I can live with one or two persons knowing my secret, the problem is the secret won't be secret for much longer. And on the rumor mill I can't control the message.


What would you all do if you ran into someone to whom you are not out yet?