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Gender Resolution

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Kirsteneklund7:
Hi everyone at TransRefuge,
 the crux of my issue is that my life is largely good, but I sometimes end up with an internal war between my masculine and feminine sides.

 How does one achieve Gender Resolution? How does one get clarification on whether to transition or not.

 When I was a child the inner girl had some expression and so did the boy - the conflict was minimal I felt no dysphoria.On Sunday I went to Sunday School- during the week I prayed that there could be a way I could be a girl.

 With the onset of puberty and natural androgens a male identity locked in. I consciously put away the girl & got on with life. She has visited me over the years but not in an insistent  and painful way until 2015. My feminine side was easy to ignore and suppress for 3 decades until age 46.

 The angst, unease & dissatisfaction drove me to a psychiatrist & psychologist. Therapy + HRT brought great relief & a sense of euphoria. I had not felt this good for years. This was November 2015.

 I thought I might be better off as my feminine self - I thought maybe I should transition. I didn't seek an official diagnosis on purpose- I wanted to go back to "normal" if I was wrong. My Gender Therapist challenged me about transition. At that stage I wasn't dressing & she asked me my feminine name- I replied Kirsten. She asked me if I wanted to start a transition. I said no- I don't know if it would work or whether it would make me happier.

 I tried to achieve clarification. I started exploring & expressing my feminine side more. Women's clothes part time, makeup, hanging out with the girls at work spending time with trans people. It felt liberating. My masculine side was still operating for work, being a husband, father. I thought I would just try and push the female envelope to see how far the rabbit hole went.

 I had laser on my face and body. Had electrolysis. Started skin care. Grew breasts - wore a bra, lost weight, started growing my hair.

Started practicing a feminine voice. I told key people ( friends of my wife so she had support).

 As I became more feminine and my wife noticed the change a train wreck started with family life. My wife and I kept talking and came to an agreement to stop HRT .

 In 2017 I stopped HRT - I had already curbed my drinking in 2016.  2017 was dedicated to a natural as possible existence - improving marriage and finding balance with my Yin & Yang.

 Through 2017 it took nearly a year for my endocrine system & mental state to become fully male again.
 The angst, unease & dissatisfaction started to return- I dealt with it in a gentle health positive manner- maintaining good physical and mental health as much as possible. People had told me if you don't have to transition then don't.

 That said on the first of January 2018 I was back on HRT until now. The inner woman can be gentle yet relentless. The distraction became an issue so I took the soft option of HRT - it really does take the edge off.

While I to and fro over transition estrogen is working its magic. I feel like I'm not misssing the boat. I like to hedge my bets - I dont have to transition,.... but I can if I want to. I insisted on full dose HRT - if I need to transition - then good - if I dont then good. My therapist calls me a fence sitter.

 My family life brings satifaction and I give quiet thanks every day-my life is largely very good.
I just wish I could gain solid clarification on transition - yes or no.
Can anybody tell me how does one obtain clarification?

 Kind regards regards, Kirsten. x

Kirsteneklund7:

--- Quote from: OzGirl on January 02, 2020, 04:04:24 AM ---Whew! I like this version better......good edit!!

Allie

--- End quote ---

 I tried to break up the wall of text ! Now tell me Allie, you spent years managing the condition. Was it physical health that forced resolution for you?

 Yours, Kirsten

Kirsteneklund7:

--- Quote from: OzGirl on January 02, 2020, 05:03:16 AM ---Yes, I managed my dysphoria all my life by expressing my female side as a mother and housewife, then when I was able, dressing as me full time at home for the last 20 years. It was working a treat until a couple of years ago when my dysphoria upped the ante, and made me very sick from Sept '18 to March '19 when I started HRT. The miraculous cure convinced everybody but me I needed to transition. I still thought I could manage it and tried to back off a bit, but Dysphoria made me sick again, this time only for a week until I got a stronger dose of E. I am in no doubt now that I am completely controlled by my dysphoria, and I have no say at all. I did get by without transitioning for 65 years, but I guess it was going to happen sooner or later. I suspect the longer you put it off, the higher the chance Dysphoria is going to kick your butt.

I have mixed feelings about putting it off so long, I think it's easier now to transition in public, but I think I maybe should have done it 15 years ago when I semi retired.

Hugs,

Allie

--- End quote ---

 I think you are right Allie. Expressing much of your female self stopped the wheels falling off for a long time. You successfully raised a family ( single handed ) and that can never be taken away. Hindsight is always wonderful isnt it. 15 years ago would have been nice to fully transition but it wasnt killing you then !

 I personally push the envelope until things go a bit pear shaped and then back off. I would love to go in much deeper and harder right now but family comes first( mine are only age 10 & 11 ). Im hoping to keep the wheels on like you did.

 Kirsten X.

Kirsteneklund7:
Hello fellow Gender  Travellers, just putting pen to paper again for the record. (April 23 2019.)
One happy piece of news that is only a day old is a friend of mine whom I have known for a couple of years is a medical co-coordinator taking 000/ 911 style phone calls to dispatch air ambulances. She is a no-nonsense type of person that doesn't bear fools gladly and takes her job seriously.

 While the morning handover was taking place for the day, I happened to mention that under my work clothes I was developing a female body. I mentioned that I run on female hormones and in my spare time I dress in a feminine manner.

 She said yes come to think of it you do have breasts. She smiled and nodded to herself and asked if I was going to fully transition. I said I may have to in the end.

 She said well in any case you have my full support. You can come round my place for a beer and wear a dress if you want! In fact come round Friday and we will have a cold one !
 I said you're on!

 We also spoke about the " Rainbow " scene in Darwin and how it hasn't quite reached critical mass, regular get-togethers don't get many people.

 She just so happened to know of some trans people and really 'got it'. She really understands what trans is.

 In any case that's more than a couple of people in the office who know about me & could tolerate a transition.

 Looking forward to Friday evening. My wife knows where I'll be as well.

 The engineering crew mostly know and personal friends are supportive. The rest of the engineering crew have mixed feelings.

 In other news, yesterday afternoon I had an eyebrow and eyelash tint. I love the lash tint the most- at 50 years of age I actually have substantial upper and lower black lashes- I love it ! My wife says I look ridiculous and that men dont do that!  She said the work crew will think you are a weirdo!

Today the work crew aren't bothered or haven't noticed.

 Also my sons expressed that I shouldn't tint my naturally blonde brows and light lashes.

I plan on maintaining the tint- it looks quite natural, but it really adds a youthful/ feminine element.

So that's me, bits of the inner woman are starting to show and tying to avoid the train wreck of 2016!

 Yours truly,  Kirsten xx.

Kirsteneklund7:

--- Quote from: Lexxi on January 19, 2020, 10:47:10 PM ---Hi Kirsten,

So how did that get together to drink a cold one with your coworker go? Did it feel completely natural? I'm also excited about the complement your wife gave you about getting your lashes tinted. I hope it made you feel good.

How do they tint your eye lashes? Is that something like have them dyed like you'd do with your hair? I might have to look into something like that. I have very sparse eyebrows, and eye lashes too.

xoxo
Lexxi

--- End quote ---

 Hi again Lexxi,
                 yes I did get round to my friends house that Friday night for some cold ones & a nice meal and it went well. There were other visitors at the time whom I didn't know so well so my presentation was more male than female. Even so it was good to just have a friendly yarn and get to know people. It is good to know if I must start living full time as a woman I can still interact with quite a group of people.
 
 Lexxi you should get down to the local salon for an eyelash tint and get your brows done. Women, Men, and between do it and they will be happy to oblige. Eyelash extensions should be available too. I found my first session I went too dark on my brows and got a bit of a shock with the contrast
 ( too much ). But get in there Lexxi you will love it!

 Yours, kirsten.

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