Gender Resolution

[Kirsteneklund7]

I think I will go through the process wirh a therapist again. I feel like a piece of the jigsaw is missing. I know the Anima & Animus, the Yin & Yang need to be reconciled.
 I personally havent found a way to do that.
 I have tried low dose HRT in the past, I would be open to trying again. I do like the physical and mental resuls of full transition dose HRT though.
 Sometimes I think.SRS, go to work as a man, time off as a woman would be the ultimate way to shed the predicament.

 I guess that means I should go to a good therapist to get to the bottom of all this.

If I wasnt so invested in a male life there is no question I would transition.

  Yours, Kirsten

[Complete]

I really think you are kidding yourself thinking you can undergo srs, and all that entails, and keep up some male facade.
Surely you jest.

Also you still seem sorely invested in the "l like" or "l'd prefer"....scenarios.
SRS, or even "transition", whatever that means is not a lifestyle choice...or maybe it is, but that most certainly was NOT the case for me.
Even in my case, at age 22, it was my last possible option.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Another suggestion it l haven't mentioned it.
Read The Transsexual Phenomenon by Dr Harry Benjamin

  I have read it a number of times. One of the best overall guides to the condition there is.

[Kirsteneklund7]

 Hi Zirconia,
                   I really feel like I can gain much from your life experience & understanding of the condition. Starting work now, but I will work through this challenging piece today, I will answer question by question. Solving gender resolution often feels like seeing the answer out if the corner of my eye. I will work through this today, I think the questions are of great value.
                    Yours truly, Kirsten.

[Dena]

Unfortunately you're the only one who can answer the question of what to do. Nobody other than you has the knowledge of exactly how you feel or can know what you value the most. I can give you some questions that might help you see things your overlooking.

To start with, I believed that you are somewhat early onset. You knew at age 13 and while you're able to control it, it's not pleasant or going away. You're functional but it's not the life you really want to live. HRT or the blocking of Testosterone will reduce the urge you feel. Your testosterone should be in the feminine range to feel the full effect. At this level some may lose all dysphoria but this isn't the case for everybody.

Once you are at feminine levels, that is as good as you will feel without transitioning. Dysphoria is both hormone induced and brain wiring. How much of each you feel can only be determined by eliminating one feeling and seeing what's left. Some people can get by with cross living alone because most of the dysphoria they experience is the result of brain wiring and HRT has little effect.

You mention passing as an issue. Passing is a relatively small part of it and the more time you spend full time, the less important it becomes. I still get misgendered from time to time. It normally happens in the winter when I am in an oversized sweat shirt (normal winter wear around here) and I am in the home improvement store. During the summer it rarely happens and it has ever happened when I was wearing a skirt. The comfort of being myself is enough to put the misgender aside and go on with my life.

I have heard of people who have gone all the way through their transition including surgery and then return to their original gender role to support their family. I have heard of people who never have surgery because they don't feel the need for it. You have to determine what will make you the most comfortable with yourself. If family and job are not an issue, your decision becomes much simpler.

I think the only way to really know is by doing. Spend as much time in the feminine role as possible so you can learn what day to day life is like. It used to be a year of full time was required before surgery for this reason. Those guidelines have been relaxed but that doesn't mean it's not still a good idea to learn about yourself.

Making a decision without enough information is difficult. You need to get out there and experience life. You might find a reason for not transitioning or you might find that it's what you have always wanted but could never admit to yourself. Don't fear asking question and I can always be PMed if you have personal questions. Remember that you may live to be 100 and you should decide now the best way to make the most out of those years. I have now lived more of my life as a woman than a man and I am still glad I made the decision I did. It was right form me but like you, I had a difficult time making it. Full time told me I wouldn't be unhappy with my new life and and even without surgery I was better off. Had surgery not been available, I would have chose to remain in the feminine role.

Remember that the process of self discovery is many steps and you have to take them one at a time. There isn't an easy way to peek at the back page of the book to see how it ends.

[Complete]

  I have read it a number of times. One of the best overall guides to the condition there is.

Agreed. I'd refer you to the type IV, often referred to as "the fence sitter". For me this is the most difficult of the 6 types on Benjamin's scale. Types 1-3 are relatively "happy crossdressers" and are able to address their needs with a minimum of social or psychological upset. Types 5-6 have little choice but to fully and completely transition if survival is the goal. Types 5&6 tend to transition early in life and are for the most part heterosexual in their newly reconfigured bodies.
From what you have shared, I'm thinking type IV is most descriptive of your current circumstance; a fair amount of painful discomfort with no clearly defined means of addressing the pain. OUCH!
Some years ago, l corresponded with someone in very similar condition: Mid 40's two pre-teen children, moderate to intermittently severe dysphoria.I referred him to Benjamin's book which he took to heart. Last l heard he still had his good paying job, lived separate from the mother of his children, and was on relatively good terms with his family. He still "presented" male at work and "expressed female full time", except when around his cjildren.
This was how he avoided the cataclysmic upheaval that would have entailed had he pursued a full-blown surgical transition.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Agreed. I'd refer you to the type IV, often referred to as "the fence sitter". For me this is the most difficult of the 6 types on Benjamin's scale. Types 1-3 are relatively "happy crossdressers" and are able to address their needs with a minimum of social or psychological upset. Types 5-6 have little choice but to fully and completely transition if survival is the goal. Types 5&6 tend to transition early in life and are for the most part heterosexual in their newly reconfigured bodies.
From what you have shared, I'm thinking type IV is most descriptive of your current circumstance; a fair amount of painful discomfort with no clearly defined means of addressing the pain. OUCH!
Some years ago, l corresponded with someone in very similar condition: Mid 40's two pre-teen children, moderate to intermittently severe dysphoria.I referred him to Benjamin's book which he took to heart. Last l heard he still had his good paying job, lived separate from the mother of his children, and was on relatively good terms with his family. He still "presented" male at work and "expressed female full time", except when around his cjildren.
This was how he avoided the cataclysmic upheaval that would have entailed had he pursued a full-blown surgical transition.

 Keen to reply to other posts right now as well, but very true Complete, I identify with HB type 4 quite strongly. The "Transsexual Phenomenon" explains the condition well without all the hype & nonsense.

 I found Anne Vitale " The Gendered Self " to be the story of my life as well.

 At age 18 reading Jan Morris " Conundrum " I felt that could have been me.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I really think you are kidding yourself thinking you can undergo srs, and all that entails, and keep up some male facade.
Surely you jest.

Also you still seem sorely invested in the "l like" or "l'd prefer"....scenarios.
SRS, or even "transition", whatever that means is not a lifestyle choice...or maybe it is, but that most certainly was NOT the case for me.
Even in my case, at age 22, it was my last possible option.

 It may sound like jest, but in 2014 I lost a lot of blood & had to have a surgical repair because I was well on my way to cutting all the male equipment off. HRT, psychiatrist, psychologist and trans friendly physicians cured the crisis.

 The only reason I haven't had SRS is that HRT moderates the dysphoria enough to put it out of my mind.

[zirconia]

Kirsten,

I really feel like I can gain much from your life experience & understanding of the condition.

Only in the sense that it is someone else's story. My understanding is limited to my own experience, and I've never been your situation. Even my questions really are a reflection of some of the things I don't understand... and I just thought that should they not be clear to you either, then thinking about them might help. I hope from my heart that they may.

Starting work now, but I will work through this challenging piece today, I will answer question by question. Solving gender resolution often feels like seeing the answer out if the corner of my eye. I will work through this today, I think the questions are of great value.

Please take your time. If you can arrive at a completely true answer to even one a day... isn't that more than enough?

The only advice I can give from experience... if it can even be called that... is to be ruthlessly honest about everything you see. Brutally and absolutely truthful. Even if doing so paralyzes you with pain, shame, regret, despair or sorrow. Even if it throws you into absolute hell.

I felt every one of those emotions... and it is only after facing them, acknowledging everything I saw and accepting it all that I was able to find my way.

[Kiera]

Another suggestion it l haven't mentioned it.
Read The Transsexual Phenomenon by Dr Harry Benjamin

     OMG it is massive at 156 pages! Am in process of making an indexed, more referenceable HTML local copy so, for those who haven't already read it, you can PM me for a *link* . . (formatting will update as I progress)

Kiera (ps: lots of background history ie:)

      "Many times in the 1920’s, I visited Hirschfeld and his Institute. Among other patients, I also saw transvestites who were there, rarely to be treated, but usually, with Hirschfeld’s help, to procure permission from the Berlin Police Department to dress in female attire and so appear in public. In the majority of cases, this permission was granted because these patients had no intention of committing a crime through "masquerading" or "impersonating."

 "Dressing" was considered beneficial to their mental health."

[Complete]

This is an excellent point which so many ignore, having been "taught" or conditioned that crisscrossing is shameful or something"less than" or "bad/dirty".
In fact it was generally accepted and in fact Lilly Elbe, ostensibly the first "sex change", was a celebrated transvestite.

[zirconia]

This is an excellent point which so many ignore, having been "taught" or conditioned that crisscrossing is shameful or something"less than" or "bad/dirty".
In fact it was generally accepted and in fact Lilly Elbe, ostensibly the first "sex change", was a celebrated transvestite.

Yes... it's a much easier and more peaceful option if it can suffice. I'm curious why just about everyone seems to ignore it off hand, and insists on immediate medical intervention. After all, like Dena mentioned a one year "real life experiment" used to be a standard prerequisite... and in truth I've come to wonder whether its secondary purpose might not have been to eliminate any shame and guilt associated with crossdressing.

What made me come up with with this theory is an acquaintance who was literally driven to suicide by the despair of ultimately not being able to suppress his need to be female at least occasionally and in private. He was only found and resuscitated through a miracle. And the doctors at the psychiatric hospital he was taken to were both understanding and smart.

Their official, formal prescription was to crossdress. As much as he possibly could, in all situations he possibly could. And... that rid him of the shackles of guilt and shame he'd carried all his life.

He did later separate from his wife, because she couldn't forgive him for having kept his need a secret from her for so long. But he's adjusted, continuing to live as a woman as per doctor's orders, and only going out as a man when he absolutely needs to. No need for surgery... and while he does self-medicate, even his daily hormone dose is well below transition levels. (Edit: I checked... 1/100 of what I'm taking.)

But—judging from the very occasional conversations we've had when I've visited the area where he lives, he seems increasingly peaceful and content now that he's rid of all guilt. He told me he feels no need for even a name or documentary sex change. Which is why I use the male pronoun...

It's pretty obvious that even if this kind of guilt removal was their ulterior purpose, the doctors in the past couldn't very well have prescribed mandatory cross-dressing to non-suicidal patients... so they'd have had to make it a prerequisite for other treatment. LOL...

It's an interesting theory in any case. And an eminently successful treatment strategy, at least where this particular acquaintance is concerned...

I couldn't understand him when we first met... but now realize this is just another example of how our stories can differ.

[Kiera]

No need for surgery... and even his hormone dose is well below transition levels. (Around 1/20 of mine, as I recall.)

      Ah! That would put "them" very clearly into "Group II, Type IV" on the "S.O.S." scale?

Ditto for me, I suppose . . not a big fan of "surgical procedures" or therapists, although Erin is definitely the exception!

[Complete]

I'm guessing Type III. No overwhelming need for genital re-configuration.

[zirconia]

Kirsten,

Here's an addition...

I dont have to transition,.... but I can if I want to.

Why is this possible?