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Dena's and Christine's side of the story

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I am Dena from Susan's Place and Transrefuge(.info).

I am posting this because I need to apologize for a mistake that I made. When I joined TransRefuge, my goal was to create something great where people could go for friendly conversation or help. I now believe this is no longer possible and I owe you an explanation.

When I joined the project, I knew I had a large amount of work on my plate. There were site standards that needed to be written and moderator staff needed to be trained to bring them up to the required skill level. What I didn't expect the site software to be unusable and the person who was supposed to set it up wasn't available. I spent 4 months learning about Simple Machines, becoming experienced with it and customizing the software for this site.

The next step was to install several modifications to the site that would improve the user experience as well as to aid the staff in their tasks. To avoid inflicting untested changes on the members, I set up a mirror site on my computer where software could be tested without affecting our members. It wasn't an easy task but the test system is up and fully functional.

Over the last few weeks there was a serious issue in the way the moderator staff had been treating two of our members. I decided it would be damaging to the site if the staff continued to behave in this manner.  The modifications needed to be delayed and the staff trained to the point where they didn't drive off members. I'm qualified to do this as I have 4.5 years of handling member problems.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy because I saw the first signs of the problem around the end of January. I attempted to take action at that point by requesting the administrator board grant me sufficient power to guide and if needed, discipline the moderator staff. I was refused this power as everyone else liked the idea of a Democracy. When I heard the word democracy, I knew I was in trouble because Democracies don't work well. Before you say anything, the United States isn't a Democracy but is instead a Republic and there is a big difference between the two. In addition, if you read the site rules, you will discover that Transrefuge isn't a Democracy as the Administrators have the final call on any decision.

At the point my request was refused I still had many software issues to deal with so I figured after they made a few mistakes, they might find training more acceptable. I was wrong. The staff degraded to an Anarchy where the strong were handing out judgements that were harmful to our members. This is because they didn't bother to understand all sides of the issue. I considered removing staff access to those who were involved in it but one thing stopped me. I wrote the rules and the rules require Administrator agreement in rulings.  It's a catch 22 situation where you can't correct a rule violation without violating a rule. The only way out is Administrator agreement and I was unable to obtain that.

Now I need to include a little side information. Access to the (Dreamhost) server is very important to what I do. I am constantly in and out of it checking settings and making adjustments as needed. Without Dreamhost, many things come to a halt and installing the next set of modifications is one of them. The first time my access to Dreamhost was cut off, it cost me three weeks of time to resolve. It turned out a second person was granted access to the server and my password became invalid. Had I been informed another was granted access, I might have put the pieces together sooner. The second time I lost access, the other person changed the password. I wasn't told of this change but I knew who to ask. It was rather inconsiderate to have this happen but I was able to resolve the issue quickly.

Sunday the March 22nd, I was asked when I would be installing the next round of modifications. I explained that our staff was out of control and while I had considered removing staff access to those members, but not the member I was talking with as that member wasn't involved. I also explained that I didn't do it because to do so would make me no better than those who were violating the rules. My access to Dreamhost was again removed by a password change. Yes this also was a violation of the rules as control was removed without a staff discussion. My action was to say I would not return to the site until my Dreamhost access was restored and at that point, I logged off the site so I wouldn't accidentally bump the time on my profile. Unfortunately I logged on once by mistake while working on this site but I logged off as soon as I realized my mistake.

I then was told lies about other people fearing me and my access to Dreamhost was removed to "protect me" as the other staff feared me "damaging" the server. The story also include that should anything happen to the server the blame wouldn't fall on me. I have been in and out of the server for at least 3 months and nothing has happened. I am very careful when I access the server and sometime take days considering what I am going to do to ensure there are no mistakes. In addition, I never have destroyed anything. Even when mistreated by an employer, I leave everything as it is, clean out my desk and leave company property untouched. When appropriate, I have even done handoffs so my employer is up to date on the project.

This person is also somewhat cowardly as only my Dreamhost access was pulled. If I had wanted to, I could have done a great deal of damage with just my Administrator access. Had my Administrator badge been removed, it would have needed to be explained. This way I could be controlled without anybody knowing.

At this point, I understood that our Administrator/site agreement was no longer valid, I was now inferior to the member holding me hostage. My demands have changed. I want sufficient control so this can't happen again. I don't want another knife in my back when I am not looking. To be honest, I am not sure I want to come back because I will always have to watch my back just incase they find another way to attack me.

The last real conversation on this matter was on March 28 and it was like being on let's make a deal. I was offered several other things including Dreamhost access to get me back to work. Poorly trained staff members never entered the discussion and I was offered nothing to insure that my Dreamhost access wouldn't be cut off again.

On or about April 1, another Skype discussion channel was opened up for the the staff. I wasn't included in this channel and I don't know why the staff conversation was hidden from me. None of the staff members have made any attempt to communicate with me even though they have Skype, PMs and email available to use for this function. I can only conclude that as I am shunned, I no longer have any support from the staff and any attempt to deal with the staff issues will be unsuccessful. Nobody has the courage to face me and explain why they have abandon me so I believe that I have been freed from any obligation I have toward this site. The lack of contact also confirmed to me that the staff is badly in need to training on how to deal with the issues that may occur on the site.

Because the staff is unwilling to deal with its issues I will not be a part of an organization that deliberately or through incompetency harms another. The staff has already mistreated two members. Fortunately I am in communication with them and both have thick skins. I fear what would happen if someone less able to deal with this had received the same treatment.

I remain open to communication however I logged off the site on March 23 and will not return unless this issue is resolved. I was told that my Dreamhost access was restored but I will not test it for the same reason.

So now the question is what do I do next? I never had the goal of owning/running a web site. I don't desire the power or the responsibility and as I told Susan, I only want to help somebody build something that will help others.  Without me knowing, a hosting account was opened on March 11 and I was told about it when I woke up the next morning.

I had hopes of resolving the issues on this site so I left the new hosting site untouched. I didn't even ask the name of the hosting site because I hadn't given up salvaging what was already in place. By April 1, I realized that that all staff communication was cut off and salvaging anything out of this mess would not be possible.

I have a backup from March 21 that was the last one I took before the Dreamhost account access was cut off so I used it to create a site on the new server account. As I did all of the work customizing this site and was not reimbursed for my work, I automatically own the Copyright to my work. I could demand that my work be taken down however to do so would make the existing data base useless. As you may wish to continue using, I will allow the use of my work as long as no attempt is made to interfere with the operation of the web site.

As the backup I used includes posts that are your property, I leave the decision to you about removing them from the TransHaven data base. I will do my best to remove what I can find. You just need to contact me by PM, through a thread or by my new email address, and explain what you want done with your account.

The other option is you may join me on the site. Your user ID and password will be current as of March 22. I will be limited on staff as I understand how difficult it is to find people who have the time and drive that is required by a staff position. The site is paid up for 3 years so I am committed to maintain it for at least that long. If interest continues in the site, I will make sure the site operation is extended beyond the initial three years. The site is currently blocked from spiders and guests are unable to view the site. It will remain that way for at least two weeks and then it will be open to the public.

We do have a few things to offer that you will discover when you see the site. The look has been cleaned up and along with a few other changes. We think we can offer you a public email address that will forward email to your in box or provide a email account. This will depend what we learn from the hosting site. I may also find additional features and if they are of interest to the members, I will add them to the site.

If you choose not to join me, I understand. I have failed at the task I set out to do. You are still welcome to email me or if you leave your account active, PM me. We had many memories together and I hope that we retain some contact if your life should take you elsewhere.

Wishing you the best

P.S. April 16, 2020. I was approached today with a request to take over the operation of the transrefuge site doing the dirty work of correcting the staff issues. No assurances where made that the same mistreatment wouldn't happen to me again. In complete honesty, I mention the work I have done creating the new site and mention that we have informed 4 members about the new site just minutes before I was contacted with the offer. These were members who expressed their displeasure with what they were seeing at transrefuge and not a general recruiting effort. All contact was through email with email address that were exchanged months ago.

I indicated that I wasn't really sure I wanted to have the same thing happen to me again. That is when the threats started and I was accused of stealing the very material I developed without reimbursement. I was accused of breaking the agreement with my actions when the first action taken against me by removing my dreamhost access broke the partnership. Only my actions were questioned and no mention of the actions that forced me to make the decisions I did. As I said it was never my intent to start a web site and I only want to provide a place to support others. Had it been a true partnership, I would still be on transrefuge making it a better place. Though I have taken no action so far that would affect the transrefuge site, I have been banned from it for not bending to the will of another. I have my standards and my morals and will not play games for short term gains. When I give my word I keep it unless the other party violates their end of the agreement. I will not be lied to or cheated when I discover the other party has no intention of keeping their end of the agreement, I will discontinue the agreement. That is what happened here after several agreement violations.

April 17, 2020 Lies are being told in an attempt to retain control. The site has no ownership of my work and I have only permitted it as long as my site was left alone. As I said above, the data is yours and if you want it removed, I will do so. The backups of the data were taken to protect the site from data loss and to create a mirror site to test changes before placing them in production. I never considered a competitive site until after the agreement was broken. I took nothing and will keep nothing that doesn't already belong to me and you if you permit me to.

I told 3 people about the transrefuge site though email as I was already banned. These are people I have communicated with regularly and I have known for a long time. All of them were fed up to some degree and were not posting. Christine was told by an administrator (not me) to pass the word on to other members and was provided with a list of names to contact. It's nice to sit back and claim clean hands and claim they are above it all however all of the administrators have been aware of this for a long time and no action has been taken. Again, I can't take action without the support of another but I will support removal of that administrator for several reasons. 

I asked for control of the site to deal with moderator issues however I never demanded it. I was refused control so I resumed improving the site. The last time I attempted to deal with the staff issues, I was considering a written approach that could be done without staff approval and wouldn't involve anything other than posting. Instantly, without questioning me about my approach, my access to Dreamhost was pulled. I worked within the restrictions placed on me by the administrators and the rules. This isn't true of the remainder of the staff as they regularly violate the rules they approved and agreed to uphold. Yesterday I was offered total control however I refuse to accept it until my conditions were met. I guess the punishment for refusing total control is being banned.

If anybody chooses to delete their account and remove your posts on, that is fine with me. I'm offering to make a safe place for those who need it and if you have found it elsewhere, I am happy for you. I will keep the doors open and your welcome back anytime.

To All The Folks Here,                                   18 April 2020

Here starts our story of what transpired on the refuge site prior to day one of it going live and the days following. This is Part One of a two Part Post.

The following are messages I received from Linde, an Administrator on, relative to her asking me to recruit Susan's members for her and Katie's website:

The first item is an email I received from Linde via the TransRefuge email notification system. The remainder are PM's I received from Linde.

My Community <>

To: cjh_****@*****.***

You have just been sent a personal message by Linde on My Community.

IMPORTANT: Remember, this is just a notification. Please do not reply to this email.

The message they sent you was:

Quote from: Christine on Today at 12:54:10 PM

Can you PM here or did the devil ban you worldwide?

I am now banned for good from the forum!  Try to be gentle over there and get as many people out before you get banned!

Good that we have a new home here



Reply to this Personal Message here:;sa=send;f=inbox;pmsg=52;quote;u=2


PM's From Linde asking me to get people from Susan's to come to Katie's site

--- Quote from: Linde on December 23, 2019, 05:15:50 PM ---I am now banned for good from the forum!  Try to be gentle over there and get as many people out before you get banned!
Good that we have a new home here

--- End quote ---


--- Quote from: Linde on December 23, 2019, 09:13:25 PM ---I like Chrissy a lot, she is always so friendly and positive.  MM may be good for us, and circonya.  I wish I could see who else is there, but I can't get in.  There are a few very valuable members, I just can't think about their names.  We
have to hope that they find us!

--- End quote ---

Re: Think I'm about ready to exit susan's

--- Quote from: Linde on December 23, 2019, 09:33:09 PM ---And Sephirah, Chrissy is ChrissyRyan, pamelatransuk, Colleen_definitely, Dorit, JanePlain, zirconia, josie76

--- End quote ---


The above are the Email (1@) & PM (3@) files of the messages, which I, Christine Jessica Headley, received from Linde, one of the Administrator's on Katie's site  I received these while I was still a member at Susan's Place requesting that I, and I'll quote Linde: "Try to be gentle over there and get as many people out before you get banned!"

I was also a member on the TransRefuge site. The first is an email I received from Linde on 23 Dec 2019 at 5:15 PM. The remainder are PMs I received while a member at TransRefuge giving me names of Susan's members she wanted me to recruit for her and Katie's site,

When one of the folks I recruited for Linde reported it to Susan, Susan searched  through the PM file and found several instances of people I had recruited per Linde's request. She also outed her propensity to read folks PM's. That was good thinking.

End part One - Part Two in Following Post

                          Part Two of a Two Part Post

Our story of what transpired on the refuge site.

When the brouhaha started 01 January 2020, I made a post on the TransRefuge site in an attempt to deflect all responsibility to myself for recruiting folks at Susan's. I knew I was not the only one doing so but thought I would be able to prevent Susan from further searching the PM files on her system looking for additional members that did the same thing I did.

What I didn't expect was to be betrayed by Linde after having done her bidding. She turned on me and stabbed me in the back with a public post discrediting me for doing the very thing she asked me to do. Next came a condemning post from OZGirl, who had no clue as to what was going on. She still doesn't but will after this has been posted.  Then Katie outed Linde, me and a couple others who had Not taken part in Linde's recruiting scheme.

After I contacted Katie several times via PM, she pulled the thread from public view and moved it to the Moderator area, where it could only be viewed by staff. I wanted the post with the folks Katie named removed from public view, still thinking I could deflect all responsibility to me.

At a much later date, Dena confronted Katie with the evidence of Linde's culpability in initiating the Recruiting of Susan's members. Now all of a sudden Katie has developed a severe case of amnesia or is trying to manipulate the narrative in her favor. It won't work because we have hard evidence of what transpired. She had to know else she wouldn't have outed Linde in her post bitching about what I had done.  Linde's part in this was hurriedly covered over and then the attacks on me intensified.

Katie is now making false allegations that I got into Susan's email system. This is an absolute Katie manufactured Bald Faced Lie. This is slander, defamation and libel and will be dealt with.

I have been subjected to numerous moderator actions on the transrefuge site due to the fact that no one other than Dena, Katie, Linde and I know the whole truth. Linde has selective amnesia, Katie feigns ignorance. Jessica, OZGirl and Lexxi have just recently been made aware of the truth. Whether they believe it or not is another issue.

Thursday, 16 April 2020, Katie exposed her disdain for Jessica, which was Katie's feeble attempt to lure Dena into taking control of the RefugeSite. It was after that we decided to let her know just what the realities are, after which she went ballistic.

Dena designed and developed the customization of the SMF base and the MYsql data base software packages. Both are open source, free to the public, which means you can have a copy of your own free of charge.

Dena has this installed on her own system that she used for development. Katie supplied her with nothing but a title, that of Administrator. Katie offered nothing in the way of support personnel, equipment, financial, or compensation for the work Dena had done and  was doing.

We have been accused of stealing Katie's software and Database. It never was Katie's software and still isn't, it has always been Dena's and still is; you cannot steal what you legally own.

The only things Katie owns are the, .com, .net domain names and the hosting account at Dream Host. Just an aside, Katie cannot claim copyright for the TransRefuge domain name; domain names cannot be copyrighted.

The Copyright Law of the US is quite specific: The United States copyright law is contained in chapters 1 through 8 and 10 through 12 of title 17 of the United States Code. Dena owns the copyright to the transrefuge Website and its database as well as the TransHaven Website and its database.

Katie has made a serious mistake in thinking we will bend under her barrage of false-hoods, slander, defamation and outright lies. The truth will triumph and we shall prevail.

This website, is owned by Dena. I own the domain name as well as the hosting account. I DO NOT own the website or its software and database, Dena owns them. This is no different than Katie's situation, except for the major decision I made in the very beginning, I turned the management and development over to Dena, I work for her. She calls the shots, She has the knowledge and expertise to make this site successful. I readily admit that I don't. I am Her assistant, Her helper and the Janitor.

Thank You for reading this post; we are only here to provide you with a Web site that meets and exceeds your needs, desires and expectations.

Best Always, Love

Christine Jessica Headley

Hi Folks,                         19 April 2020

I know some of you may be upset about our starting this site. Those of you using the transrefuge site may enjoy it. What you never saw was how Dena was treated by Katie, Linde, Jessica and the rest of the staff. I saw it and didn't like what I saw happening to Dena. Most of you know Dena and I are a couple; She is the Love of My Life. I would give my life without question to save Hers. I trust Her more than I trust myself.

I saw early on that Dena was being used and abused by Katie and her staff. I would see Dena after a so called "Staff Meeting" trying to hold back tears. That was not a one time occurrence. As I said above, I will willingly give my life to save Hers; She is that important to me. I warned Katie early on that the abuse had to stop. It never stopped; lip service is all I got from Katie; actually not lip service, finger service, she does not communicate except via text. There's a reason and I'll let you figure out what it is.

I started noticing a drop-off in new members, new posts and some members no longer posting. Along with this I saw the infighting among the staff. By this time, Dena decided to just work on the system and get all the issues resolved. This became quite difficult when Katie would change the password on the host side, locking Dena out. She would be unable to make the changes She had made on Her test system, which was a mirror image of the system you utilize when on-line. Dena's system is more advanced and up to date because it's the system where all the development and testing takes/took place.

Just to be clear, Dena has a very substantial monetary investment in Her system; it is significantly greater than Katie's investment in the web hosting service she has at "DreamHost." Dena has invested over 1000 hours developing Her TransRefuge software and data base packages. Dena has an invoice ready for Katie if she wants to continue using Dena's web software.

Speaking of the data base; what do you think is in it? Very little of personal consequence; member screen name, email address, DOB maybe, and other minor misc stuff of no personal significance. Your posts are in there but they are not private, they have been posted on line and once posted they will be out there for the foreseeable future. No one can claim private info once it has been on the net. Just a fact many are not willing to acknowledge. Most of the software is stored in the data base; It's part of the program, which is why Dena owns the copyright to it and the customized SMF package. You do own the copyright to the posts you authored. They are yours to do what you want with. If you choose to keep your account open and leave your posts on our site, we will be happy to accommodate you. If you want your account closed, we'll be happy to accommodate you for that as well. Just let us know.

We would hope you stay but we aren't naïve enough to believe everyone will remain.... and that's OK. If at some point in time you decide to return, the door will always have the Welcome mat out and will remain open for you.... no hard feelings. There is one thing our site has that no one else has and that is Dena. She is an absolute genius and knows how to treat people. When I first went to Susan's, I got to posting on the edge for lack of a better word.

The staff was getting ready to ban me and Dena decided to set me straight and made me realize the site was a medical site and not a place to write rude commentary. Yes, I can get a bit salty.

Long story short we became a couple. She has saved my life three times. Had it not been for Dena, I wouldn't be here today. I owe Her my life. She is also the only Woman and Person I have ever Loved and Trusted Implicitly. Dena cannot willfully do anything wrong. She has the highest moral standards of anyone I have ever known. I trust Her more than I trust myself.

Please take care of yourselves and stay healthy. God Bless You All, whomever and wherever you all are.

Best Always, Love


I edited this post tonight Wednesday 03 June 2020 at 2257 MST (Arizona) for clarity.

Message that was bulk sent to the members of the site in our copy of the data base.

There are two sides to every story and we are unable to tell our side of the story on the transrefuge site so we need to tell you where to find our story. You may or may not read the story, that is up to you however you have three options.

You may have your account deleted but leave your posts.
You may have your account and posts deleted.
You may leave your account and visit us when you wish.

To read our story, you may visit the site at and view Announcments. If you don't wish to  log into the site, a copy has been placed at where it's in the open and you will not have to login.

The site is currently configured so visitors can't view it and spiders are unable to access the data. The only people able to view your information are the the members who had an account as of March 21, the date of my last backup. It will remain this way for at least two weeks giving you time to make your request.

Account deletion requests can be made by logging on to the site then post or PM your request. You also have the option of emailing me at We will verify your email against the account before deleting it to ensure you you are the one making the request.

While your information will be removed from public view, I will need to retain it for the time being. The threat of legal action has been made and as long as that threat continues to exist, I can't risk the destruction of evidence. Once that risk has pasted, I will dispose of my previous backup copies and the deleted information on the server.

From childhood, I made it a point to never lie, cheat or steal. I am insulted that something I have spent my life maintaining has been attacked with false accusations and will do everything in my power to defend my reputation.

Whatever you decide, you may still contact me at anytime for help or just a friendly chat. You're caught in the middle of something that should have never happened but unfortunately did.


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