Author Topic: where it's at now  (Read 1236 times)

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Offline Maddie

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where it's at now
« on: May 26, 2020, 10:59:33 PM »
Very small northern town miles off the main highway.  Old by American standards.
Small river runs through it. There's a low dam and an old wooden covered bridge.
Four bars, two churches, and a dollar store. 
No supermarket or fast food.
A few pickups, motorcycles, and farm vehicles on the main street
My home going on five years.  I have no previous identity history here.
I worked my last business identity in over 40 states in that time but not here. 
Like my home base away from it all.

I have fairly new guy friend who lives a  couple blocks away, overlooking the bars. 
Long hair, scraggly short beard, tinted glasses.  Same age as me. 
He has no phone number and communicates thru a facebook app.
I have a phone but will not go on Facebook.
So we don't talk much. 
But we do fine in person.  Hadn't seen him since the shutdowns.  Heard he's been laid off, like a lot of folks.
I went out walking past his place and emailed him.  I swear sixty seconds later, he come right down.   We talked for a llittle while, then he walked with me, all around town. Late afternoon.  Felt good he didn't mind everyone seeing us.  Not that they care.a hoot.   We stood and talked outside the Wolf's Den, and guys by the parked bikes were noticing us, and me.  I figure they know Ross since he hangs at that bar too.  It's not like we were holding hands or acting romantic.  But people talk, and more people here know me than I know them.

I wonder things like: Are they giving me a second look because I'm rare? 
Making an assessment of my hotness (or opposite of hotness? ;)

Anyway I  broke social distancing and hugged him.  He was cool and had instigated no more than a handshake.
I am some kind of awkward with guy handshakes.
I hugged him, so as not to be awkward.  He was not unwilling and basically nothing but cool.

I think more often about moving away from here.  A bigger/maybe newer town.
Somewhere with a different dancing to booze ratio..
But if I leave too soon, I may never know what I'm running away from.
Head up moving forward

Offline Christine

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2020, 11:15:29 PM »
Hi @Maddie,                      26 May 2020

Dena and I enjoyed visiting with you today. We hope we can do it again sometime soon.

Please take care, stay safe and healthy. God Bless you young lady.

Best Always, Love

Dena and Christine


Worrying Never Makes It Better.
Contact:
Christine@transhaven.org

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2020, 11:19:18 PM »
It was a nice visit for me too!

Hope your fur baby does well on their trip to get shots :)
Head up moving forward

Offline Complete

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2020, 10:32:49 AM »
You're in a tough place Maddie. I've been there. It wasn't great. If there is ever to be a chance of changing/improving that situation, you'll need a plan. Before the plan, you'll need an end goal. Where, (not geographical), you want to end up.
Then....how to get there.

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2020, 03:29:32 PM »
First off I'm sorry for writing too much.
I want to live and shine the blessings I have.  Writing this pile of dung is an attempt to get there.

Thank you Complete.
Not sure what I wrote that was so bad. 
But it is bad.  And that has a lot more to do with what's inside me than anything in my surroundings.

Speaking of surroundings:
This ex military law enforcement wannabe scary guy lives in my apts.  I've griped about him before.  He just threatened to end me. Again.  It's just part of everyday conversation.  I have to see him because he stands by the entrance, when he's not blowing up caves or "making people disappear"..  I'm supposed to account for everything I've done each day.  He must be locally connected.  He's like 260lbs.  Once he grabbed my neighbor friends finger (RIP Bobbie!!!).  She was like 90lbs.  He snapped her finger sideways broke.  When she called the police, they listen only to him and hauled her to jail for a 3 day weekend.  No medical attention.  She lived her last 2 years with sideways hand.  That's how it works in this county.  See Steven Avery case.  Corrupt place. 
I left bad situations behind to find this sanctuary. I'm actually really lucky!!  I am convinced that no matter where I go, I will find something worse.  It's the world, deal with it Maddie Muffin.  But if I could find some kind of personal power I'd be alright.

When I ask for advice, I'm often  told either it's up to me, or ask your doctor.  When I ask my Dr about meds, she says it's up to me.
If it's up to me I'm screwed so I volley it back to her and ask to be told what to do.
Currently my E levels are so high my Drs last message is that she doesn't trust the lab.  I'm willing to reduce (I'm on a low dose already) but she won't answer me on that yet until I get a new test next week. Which I will drive five hours for.
I'm still in my first year of HRT.  I believe that I am learning the ropes and at some point will be operating independently and successfully on that front.

Today I found confirmation that 100 hours of electro and a year of monthly laser (different places) have done nothing except burn $$ and fry pits into my face that might not ever go away.  I always knew the 12  laser sessions  I had was no good because I still have plenty of dark hair.   So i never went back after the paid series was done..   
 But I wanted to believe in my electro.  She is 99.9% of my physical contact since 2015.  She even had a little work for me so I bartered for maybe 20 of those 100 hours.  But it's true, she wasn't getting the roots because my hair's and follicles are curly hooks that hide the root.. Today was just confirming what people on some forums and YouTube said.  More real in person testimony.

The 2nd opinion electrolgist who told me this today says I first  need another year with a specific laser machine but she doesn't know where one is.  It's not like she's saying these things to get me to sign up with her.  She says I first need something she can't do, and doesn't know where to refer.  This combination leads me to trust her statement more, even though it helps not.  I could just start having her do electro, but she is advising I find a way to remove the dark hairs first.  I already spent a year of no sun 2017-18.
I'm not making $ like I was before, so now this is just speculative junk laying about the new floor plan.

Back to Complete.  I cannot get my head around what you're saying.  What I'm reading is that I need to know where I want to end up , but "where" is not a geographical place.
I get that geography is irrelevant, especially if this curse is clinging to the middle of my back.  I need someone or something to take it off my back, or help me turn it to front where I can put it down myself. .  It won't let me go and I can't shake it alone.. If I can't, it will always be there waiting for me at every sunset horizon.
Head up moving forward

Offline zirconia

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2020, 04:28:55 PM »
Maddie,

I wish I could take the pain away.
Do stay safe. Drop what doesn't work. Find the goal, and then keep walking.

Offline Complete

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2020, 05:14:12 PM »
What is this 'curse' clinging to the middle of your back?
(Identify the problem)

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2020, 06:23:45 PM »
Thank you I'm walking.

 
What is this 'curse' clinging to the middle of your back?
(Identify the problem)
I tried answering twice but it was long weird and going nowhere both times.  I give up 
Short answer is I don't know it's identity. 

It's a problem I can't see or reach with both hands.  It does not love me and very much wants to make me lost.







Head up moving forward

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2020, 06:27:23 PM »
If possible maybe just one goal could work?  It's too grandiose for me to see an end result goal destination masterplan.. 
I can't even where or how to get out of here.  And I need to get out of here.
Like I've been living in the wrong time zone
Head up moving forward

Offline Complete

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2020, 07:53:53 PM »
Ok. This is a start. Next step. Find a professional, hopefully available through your state or county social services and have them help you find yourself. You will have to be perfectly, painfully honest or you will simply be wasting everybody's time.

Offline zirconia

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2020, 02:55:10 AM »
Yes. Just one goal. Just one step. Take it.
Complete knows what she's saying. Truth hurt more than anything I've ever known but without I'd not be free.

And Maddie... if you try to say something and it goes weird, saying it may help anyway.

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2020, 06:34:08 AM »
Thank you for your suggestions.
 I have been attacking (and been beaten by)  "step one (mental disturbances)" since 1990 when I went back into the mental health system as an adult..  Unfortunately I was not lucky to be helped with my problems, which crrated more problems, , and this process continues to this day.  At some point you just have to take other steps  because time is going by, not waiting for step one to be fixed   
From my perspective telling me to go to county mental health or other pros like that seems kind of  like me telling you what you should've done for SRS. My experience seeking help with that system could fill a sad and boring  book.  If I wrote that book, I would smack myself in the head with it because it's a pathetic non-story.
So as not to deflect your suggestion, I want you to know that I am currently working with a counselor and with a workbook and it is being painful and hopefully honest.

 I need to improve my writing.

To simplify:
My first post on this thread is just a portrait of where I live, and observations from interacting with men publically.  I did not think there was crisis or problem in that post, although Complete seemed to read it as a bad situation.  Fair enough.

Then yesterday (when it got bad):
-I was told that my time, labor, and money spent on facial hair removal since 2015 was not only wasted, but in fact did permanent damage to my face.  This is crushing.
-When I returned home, my life was threatened again by someone against whom I have no recourse or protection against in this county.
-My E levels are over 2200 and I feel weird.  My prescribing doctor doesn't seem to know what to do, and rather than reassuring me or suggesting any medication adjustment, she just told me that the lab test must be innacurate, and I need to drive to Milwaukee to get drawn again in another week.  So I'm waiting on that and stressing about the trip.
- in an attempt to understand why I can go to the same processes other do successfully, yet I  have such negative and delayed results, I describe it as a curse on my back.  Meaning it's clinging to me, I can't see it, identify it, I can't shake it off, no matter if I move across the country.  Until I can get two hands on this curse I'm still stuck wherever I go.

Hope that is easy and not a waste of  time. 

I will reach a point where I don't feel I have to explain and make excuses for things I tried to communicate here in this forum.

Thanks again.
Head up moving forward

Offline zirconia

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2020, 06:53:05 AM »
Maddie,

I'm glad you wrote this. Thank you. I hope you didn't mind the replies... I see I didn't understand all you said properly.

And... I don't think you have to worry about making excuses about what you write right now. You do have much more pressing things on your mind even without. All we can do is listen, and perhaps ask if we don't understand something.

Offline Dena

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2020, 08:29:25 PM »
One problem at a time. It seems your working on some of the other issues but hair removal is something others didn't comment on. In this thread I will ask if you were using thermolysis for hair removal. if so, a high setting might have caused skin damage. As I really need to do it anyway, I will do a primer in hair removal discussing what I know about electrolysis. If you have a large quantity of facial hair, it might require up to 200 hours of treatment. My facial hair was fine  and in a limited areas but it was dense and it took about 150 hours of treatment. It was so long ago, I don't remember the exact number.

If you can determine a topic you need help with, please bring it up. If we know the answer or where to look, we will be more than happy to tell you what we know. Just remember that we didn't know it all either and we gather information wherever we could find it.
Email contact through dena@transhaven.org

Offline Antisthenes

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2020, 10:55:52 PM »
Hi Maddie,
    My heart is with you on the electrolysis nightmare. I went through some very inept techs. I found one however in Chicago, Willmette actually, that was just incredibly skilled. The company is called Precision Hair Removal and they are one of only two I know of in the country that does mass clearings. So thayts available if you have interest in that and just a a little drive South. Willmettes in the North so you can stay out of Chicago and off the Tolls?  And you know, nce you get all finished, there's always chemical peels and laser to make your skin smooth again like it never even happened. So look at the long game here, girl. Keep your eye on the prize. I know it feels impossible sometimes (god knows I know!) but stay calm and focused. You will prevail. If you call Precision, ask for Irina, she's sweet, funny and incredibly accomplished with what she does. Remember there's an end game. Oh, don't worry too much about your E levels, pregnant women get into the 5 digit range and they're okay. So try to stay calm. I know it's difficult, but it will keep you sane. 😉

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2020, 03:57:50 PM »
Thanks Z  :)

Dena,  I suppose I should anticipate at least another 100-150 hours before I get too worried about no results.
Settings might be what caused the pitted texture!  This new tech did a few on my upper lip and it was fine,  no numbing.
I was accustomed to someone working much faster with a higher setting. 
My lips have been totally cleared exactly 20 times but still dense.

It's going to take putting it all together to make a steady sustainable run at it.  With a good tech, and possibly another course of laser as was suggested.  This may have to wait for awhile, and possibly relocate.

Antisthenes
It is around 4 hours away from me, but I will likely contact Irina at Precision soon  to see if she'll take a look.  Appreciate you recommening her by name!
Have heard some negative things about mass clearings in general though.

My HRT doctor is an obgyn for "real" women every day except one day per month, when she runs the clinic I'm at. 
She told me she's never seen an E level as high as mine.  It's possible she meant someone like me, at the dose I'm taking
What you say about five digit levels is comforting though, I'm less worried. 
Also encouraged by what you said about the other processes that might clean any damage up at a later stage
Head up moving forward

Offline Complete

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #16 on: May 30, 2020, 04:43:25 PM »
Unable to post...error code 500

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #17 on: May 30, 2020, 05:14:56 PM »
Unable to post...error code 500
Oh no! :(
Head up moving forward

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #18 on: May 30, 2020, 08:35:07 PM »
Sorry still sorting my middle age reboot on this public thread.  It's taking a while.

My life is so compartmentalized I forget I have other experience
Concrete, landscaper, painter, roofing, siding, insulator, sawyer, scrapyard, demolition, warehouse, more.
Hard work has not been the problem.  Heights can be.
I suffer from a lack of common sense, and a need to be directed.
Stress management.  The inevitable social prying out of what a sissy I am, and my place in the group.
Or acting like a psycho, but not entirely an act....
And defense.

It might be less stressful to work with crews now, especially if I totally own who I am.
Might help if I could more resemble who I think I am.  Or not!
Got to be real. Could work!

Entertainment strangely was easy to get work. Lots of it. Any time I put myself to it.   
I don't even think I'm that good.
Non essential now!!  Grateful I didn't spend months booking myself for this year!
Sucks to let it go away now, but I'm not sure the market clamors for my current presentation.

And I'm kind of a techphobe.  It is a problem.
I might do ok dealing with people on the phone as a call center or similiar, but I don't know anything about that industry.

Stay healthy everybody
Head up moving forward

Offline Maddie

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Re: where it's at now
« Reply #19 on: May 31, 2020, 02:33:56 AM »
Oh God.  Seeing news.
Glad I'm not in the inner city anymore
Hope you're not caught up in the riots
Head up moving forward