Day to day life of someone not yet complete...

[zirconia]

I woke up too early and can't seem to get back to sleep... so I guess I might as well try to write down some of what twirls through my head.


I was unsure when I went to receive my diagnosis whether the doctors would require me to also undergo the RLT/RLE. After all, I was already categorized as female unless I corrected the impression. And I'd already completely given up doing that a year before.

So... I hoped to get an immediate referral to surgery... and when told they had to require it I was disappointed.

But I've found the RLE to be like a walking cane to someone recovering from an injury. Helpful although unwished for. After all, I hadn't ever truly lived as a woman. Rather, I'd lived enveloped in fear, revulsion, despair, and forlorn hope. Knowing what people saw me as and repelled by what I thought my destination would be should I give in and accept it. And some of the fear still remained.

I need to be made whole... more than anything I can think of. But these months have helped dissolve the remaining traces of that fear. Meeting my friend's daughter yesterday made me realize how much more... free, happy, and safe I guess... I now feel to accept how people see and interact with me. And it's getting more so by the day.


Yes, I know I could have managed without this acclimation period... after all nothing concrete has changed. But ridding myself of the remaining shackles while also recuperating physically would probably have been more stressful.

Rather than an ordeal these months have felt like a convalescence. A time after the suffering has abated but one is still recovering... and during which one has time to think, wonder and make plans for the future.


I'll try to sleep just a bit more now...
Good night, everyone...

Edit: Clarity, accuracy

[Complete]

I read this real time experience of someone actually living this experience as  she writes about it. Can it get any more real?
What strikes me is that l have nothing to say. I have no experience in this protocol, this required real life experience.
I completely missed out on that experience. The idea of RLE never came up. What was of interest, or rather the focus of my attention, was the logistics. How to pay for the surgery, (a small fortune), or.....the price of a moderately priced new or late model used car. A fair chunk of change no doubt, but doable. Travel, housing, aftercare, etc.
Nevertheless, the concept of RLE makes sense. For those who are not absolutely sure, drop dead sure, this RLE is an absolute necessity.

But ridding myself of the remaining shackles while also recuperating physically would probably have been more stressful.

Another very notable advantage, is cleaning out all the "before".

[zirconia]

Thank you, Complete...

I feel restless again today... I was supposed to finish a minor project and move on to what I really need to complete before surgery. But was asked to take a look at a few more details. And am the only one who can do it within the required timeframe. So I will.

The goal is in sight. A delay of a few days is not much. Some wonder why I even care... "But you're completely female already..." LOL.
They just don't know where the pain resides.

I can bear this because I know it will end. But the pain is always there... a constant reminder of what I so needed even while avoiding it out of revulsion of the caricature I thought I'd become.

Part of today's restlessness comes from recalling the past. The paths I chose to control the pain and desolation. To mitigate them. LOL... and yet ending up having to relinquish some of the things that gave me life. Like my long hair. Because I was a boy and was expected to accept the look.

And the moral disgust intermingled by curiosity when a potential employer openly suggested sex work. And the forbidden feeling of elation at being deemed desirable to men.

Strange... All of that is in the past. I haven't changed since then... just shed the rigid protections. And the shackles that bound me.

Nor have the attitudes of others. Someone who's known me since before I was hurt said I mostly feel less distant. And wondered at how the physical changes seemed an inconsequential part of the natural order.

The fear is gone, and I'm nearly free.

Convalescence is an apt descrption. While we laughed at the requirement, I agreed to follow the rules of the RLT to a letter. It now reminds me of the physiotherapy I once underwent. Ridiculously easy to the point of apparent uselessness... and yet helpful in returning to normalcy.

Conscious adherence to the motions as required has helped underscore how meaningless all the external trappings are.

And helped me accept that the open exit always was right there... and that I only had to step through.

[Complete]

For some of us apparently, "restlessness" can be part of the process, especially, in the very latter stages of our transition. It was for me, but more in the form of a recurring impatience. We are almost there. We can feel it. The end is tangible, just barely out of our reach.
We must , however, remember that we are not quite there. Some very important "details" must be attended to.