where it's at now

[Maddie]

Where it's at now is what I called this thread.  So I can share stuff going on with me now doing real life experience.
Things are new again. I'm letting her out and it's awkward. 
Feedback welcome.  Even if weird.

Cruzame bichas

[Kiera]

So am l reading this correctly? Is this "Where it's at now"?

      Complete this diversion is my attempt at "levity", not Maddie's, we were discussing other sites and I got carried away with the "fantasy" part of it all . . . jackmolay is Admin at CDL and Felix Conrad runs the original "Transcend Movement" which has since been renamed to "NovaGirl". Both are regulars commentators at CrossDreamLife of which I have also been a member since Apr 2018.

     Sandra Lopes runs a "Rantings" blog @https://feminina.eu/ and all are either crossdressers or people who may wish to transition but, for various reasons, don't or cannot.

Like many others, I’m a 100% heterosexual male crossdresser, living with my beloved GG companion for several years now in a happy relationship that is unlike to change in the near future.

Another example ie: Why Blanchardians are scientifically unsound (and no, it’s not because activists hate them)

Every now and then, I pop over to ThirdWayTrans’ blog (now "private/protected"?) . . Science obviously also starts with an idea — if that idea can be scientifically validated, it becomes a conjecture. If we actually do some tests or experiments to validate the idea, then it becomes a hypothesis. If we can prove beyond a shadow of doubt that the hypothesis is correct and that the data used and the results can be independently validated, then it becomes a theory . .

     "Blanchard's opinion" obviously never got beyond the "hypothesis" stage and "yes", to answer your question and with all due respect to "z" who I enjoy very much, a transition is much more than just political theory or stressing over how, when or why "SRS". Each and every one of us takes control of our lives in their own way and learning to have "some fun" is just another small part of it. (thus my most recent "avatar")

lol Also I'm starting to suspect that "Sissy Farm(s)" do actually exist? The fact that so many transsexuals, both pre and post, seem to wind up in the sex industry does lend credence to the conjecture!

Indeed do we 'ave a problem with that?

[Maddie]

Seperating from who I am.  Without murder.
Or I won't make it.
It's not "just" the trans thing....or perhaps it's just that this illness is different for everyone. 
I've done what I can to revive the old family thing. Thinking of it as a way to close that book.
But it's a kind of torture.  To continue the connection is to write myself out of the book of life.
If I'm alive (not sure that I am) then the book is still being written.  Begging the Lord to write me back in all the pages I was taken out of.
Refuse to live trapped as an open sore pillar of shame
Some sadist's reserve battery
Respect and do not even think you can tread on this animal.

[Complete]

Hi Maddie. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say, but it sounds like your trying to find a place where you can continue to be or interact with those who are most important to you.
Admittedly,this is a difficult place to navigate from. Nevertheless, to do have options. I notice you post on other forums. Are you getting any help there besides the usual platitudes and direction to "counseling"?

[Maddie]

Hi Complete. 
Counseling I've got plenty of these days. Making  best use of the opportunity.
I'm posting more around the forums today.  Sometimes wading through a bog of platitudes, but it is support.   Also trying to offer support to my only in-person trans friend,, who is at refuge,  and has bottom surgery this week.  Noone has the same road, but there are times I feel very alone on mine.
Politics and social consciousness are making me crazy.  Scared I'm going to explode.
 
It's gradual, but I'm looking acting speaking feeling more towards female all the time now.
Men are getting closer to me.  Women appear to be "buying it" more when they interact with me.  It's exciting. 
I want to have sex as a female with a man.  Men.
We cannot go back and change the past.  I am almost 101% certain that I will never bear and breastfeed my own babies.
Praying the world will still be here when I am put together.

[Complete]

It sounds like you are doing well. Politics; l agree. The current madness is frightening. My guess is 95% of the noise is being generated by I'll informed people needing attention or trying to expiate a non-existant "guilt".
Men, of course are another matter. In general they are singularly driven. The problem for those in transition is that sexually, most men have relatively specific expectations.

[zirconia]

Seperating from who I am.  Without murder.
Or I won't make it.
It's not "just" the trans thing....or perhaps it's just that this illness is different for everyone. 
I've done what I can to revive the old family thing. Thinking of it as a way to close that book.
But it's a kind of torture.  To continue the connection is to write myself out of the book of life.
If I'm alive (not sure that I am) then the book is still being written.  Begging the Lord to write me back in all the pages I was taken out of.
Refuse to live trapped as an open sore pillar of shame
Some sadist's reserve battery
Respect and do not even think you can tread on this animal.

Maddie, I saw your post earlier. I'm glad that Complete responded.
I'm not sure whether I got it right, but it sounds to me that you feel a drive to go forward. Lovely.
And while you tried to revive your ties with your family to give closure, it's also giving you pain.
That although you've been held in a state of nowhere you have a future.
That what's been in the past won't hold you
And you're forging ahead.

Am I right?
I hope so... because if so, I'm glad...

[Kiera]

I am almost 101% certain that I will never bear and breastfeed my own babies . . Praying the world will still be here when I am put together.

         LOL One-year-old eyes mine up but now knows better, give him junk food snacks instead! Lost power after a huge storm rolled through last night which fried modem and now the genset won't start (control panel?) . . solar is 'ok' so counting blessings! The World will always be here - lol - just perhaps no gas, no electric, no food, no meds(original equipment better?)  . .

Got ammunition?

(been giving the house a makeover this week daughter and kids coming home! New paint, flooring, overhaul kitchen/bathrooms etc etc . . )

[Maddie]

Thank you x3  for concern and feedback.

Good luck Kiera with the power grid.

Today I am cultivating the inside.  Namely me and the inner source.
Without it there is nothing outside in this world worth living for.
Not one thing.

[Maddie]

Starting to see little green tomatoes

Casting seeds elsewhere, in all directions, like fishing nets.
Exploring options and opinions.
I will not neglect what sprouts before me (...though I weed through it.)
Bloom where I am planted.
Bloom where I am transplanted.
Blooming mostly 👌

[Maddie]

Spending time with a young man. Progressing daily. It's all new but so far I'm like a duck in water


Women are talking with me more about sex now.  Telling me about them and their boyfriends etc.


Head up moving forward

[Maddie]

Referred to and applied for latest job. Entails serving food and beverages to plastic surgeons and other millionaires....alongside twenty-something girl servers...
What could go wrong?

[zirconia]

I hope you get it ٩( ᐛ )و

[Maddie]

Thank you Zirconia!
I am learning more every day.
You use interesting symbols in your posts.  Are they a language thing or emojishttp://?

[zirconia]

You use interesting symbols in your posts.  Are they a language thing or emojishttp://?

Hi, Maddie

They're co-opted unicode... LOL

ʕʘ‿ʘʔ (=^ェ^=)
http://kaomoji.ru/en/

[Maddie]

I used to slam my head into things. A lot. 
Grateful I wasn't brain damaged, but you know what?  I'm not sure.  It could explain why I lag behind in life and struggle with many adult things.
Hadn't done it in years, but this morning I was slamming my head into the wall. Sideways.  Trying to crack the egg and get out of this shell.
My angels are crying even if I can't hear them.

If I get put back on psych meds I will want to die so much more.  You have no idea what I went through  and for how long to get free.  And start transitioning.

I cannot live with my changed name.  It was simply the last one on the list when my court date came to file the paperwork.  My first name is Gitana, which had meaning because I was Tom which came from Gaetianno in my family..  I thought for some reason it would make my parents happy, they could still call me Tommy and everyone else could call me Tana (rhymes with Donna).  But they did not become happy, and I can't stand explaining my name anymore.  I had sooooo many name ideas, many of them were simple because I wanted to avoid this very thing!!!!!!!.  I didn't go with Maddie because some people were calling me Matt by mistake.  I changed my passport too and that took many months.

I stopped losing weight back in January.  I was within 5lbs of my final goal of 162 (I'm 5'10" this is not unreasonable, in fact I was a roofer at 135/140- they gave so much crap on that job for being pretty and I didn't even get to enjoy it then.) I am now almost 20lbs above that goal.  But I have not cheated on my diet, I watch my calories between 1500-1800 and keep my eating within a 6-7 hour window each day.  I don't eat anything heavy after midday..  I drink plenty water and apple cider vinegar and exercise even more than I was when I lost 40lbs last year.  Been running up to 5 miles a day.  I do other exercise regularly and stretch  breathe and meditate.    Only eat carbs early and always healthy ones and not too much. No eating late, no white sugar,. No flour, no fried, limited fruit, etc.

If I don't break out if this hell before I crack the egg

[zirconia]

Maddie,

It sounds like a bad place. I know how bad it is when pain can alleviate something that hurts even worse.

I also know you don't want back on psychiatric drugs. From what you've told you're much more clear headed without them. They don't cure the pain. They just suppress it for a while. And everything else too.

It sounds like you chose the name Gitana because you thought it wold make your family happy. And because you ran out of time. Am I right? Even though you had more simple ones on your list. But it didn't make them happy, and now you hate having to explain it to everyone. Do you want to change it again? Can you live with it until then? If you know it doesn't have to be forever?

20 lbs... I don't know anything about diets... but if you lost 40 last year I think you can get there. Even if it takes time.

Crying can sometimes help more than pain. I'm glad you could tell us.

(´-ω-`( _ _ )

[Maddie]

Everything you just said is correct makes so much sense. 
I was in a bad place and don't want to stay there.  I am moving forward every day, some days more than others.
There is so much to be grateful for, and I pray I never throw it all away in a moment of stupidity.
Maybe need a helmet
Thank you hon.

[Maddie]

Spent 3 days with 3 generations of women who have known me forever thru changes.  Plus connected men and pets.
According to them I now pass as an attractive woman.  Though supportive they did not think that before this visit.

I have a new-to-me pre-owned cat now!    She is under the cot that is my couch.  Cheeto is baffled, but enjoying the bag of food that came with her. 

I've been putting applications for jobs out there, and today actually had an interview.  It was another weird mask thing.  He was 25 years old and 25 min late.  He filled in his worksheet of questions like a Friday homework assignment and concluded abruptly with a brush-off.  I had no opportunity to express any questions about the position or demonstrate anything to do with the job.  He kept saying he was smiling beneath his mask.  Maybe I should have said that too.

[Maddie]

Vines are creeping up on me.  They need support or can easily break in the wind.

New cat came out but hiding again since.

Just realized it's one year on HRT for me today.
I'm not in a good place and my weight is up.
I have support system of friends but its complicated.
My supports collapse when I display self respect.
Thought about dying all night and didn't sleep.
W T Flark is that?

I am grateful to be on a path forward with a surgery consult scheduled in Sept.
Grateful that my weight isn't worse, because it would be, if I wasn't running almost every day.
And grateful for new experiences.  Better lately than never.

I need something to hold me when the wind blows