Thank you for asking

[Maddie]

Thank you for asking.

I had a history of mental health issues and county placement going back to childhood.  This applies to what happened later
.
In 1992 I was 20 and reaching out big time saying I felt like/wanted to be a woman.   I went to a counselor and told him.  He said no, you're an alcoholic, go to AA meetings.  I do not think I am an alcoholic, but just to be safe I have never drank alchohol since.  I went to a couple hundred AA mtgs and told my sponsors I want to be a woman.  They did not know what to tell me.  Back at county mental health, the intake psychiatrist I spoke with each admittance asked if I was homosexual when I told him I wanted to be a woman. I said no.  I should've said yes,  that I didn't know, or that I was confused.  He told me my problem was I was afraid my mother wanted to sever my penis and then he put me back on thorazine.  Clouded this way, I spun around for a while. 
Later that year I met an older woman who was a junkie and a prostitute.  She knew things about many subjects and I told her I wanted to be a woman.  She took me shoppiing for womens clothes, became my girlfriend, and told me that you don't have a sex change to be a woman if you are sexual with women. 
She killed herself on my 22nd birthday in 1994.  That week was the start of a band I was in until 1999.  The guys in the band became like my family and I didn't want them to know the truth about me or to kick me out. They all met women and got married.  I tried to be like them. It didn't work that way for me and in 1999 I totally brokedown again.  Back on thorazine and other psychotropic drugs.   Somehow I got referred to a counselor in Milwaukee WI who told me she started the first program for transexual people in my state.  That's why I say what I posted before. 
5 minutes into our first session she showed me a dildo and a big dialator.  I was scared but I thought I was in the right place.

At that time  I had a case manager in charge of my healthcare and other living aspects.  Around the time I started with this counselor, the head of the case management agency took over my case.  He stopped me from going there and for the next 13 years I only went to see a prescribing psychiatrist who would talk to me for two minutes with the case mgr in the room.  In fact the case manager answered all the Drs questions to me. I was on as many as seven different psych meds at once.

In 2012 a bunch of things happened: the psychiatrist retired, his clinic closed, the case manager retired, and the case management company folded.  I was supposed to be transferred into other hands but they dropped the ball and I was free.  I weaned off the the meds for 18 months until clean, started running, swimming, and tai chi to cleanse myself.  Spent a couple years trying to find a woman and couldn't figure out why it would never work out.   It was bizarre how bad my luck was. 

Then I came upon a historical photo of a two spirit person and somehow that brought it back to me. 
By this time I had a computer and oh my God there are transitioning people everywhere.  What the hell.
Looked up the counselor from 1999 but she was retired.  Moved to where I currently live because of a support group for transgender people that accepted my insurance.  Turned out to be a group of ftm kids, none of whom had had an operation. The counselor knew way less than she claimed, but wrote me letters for HRT.  I filled the scrips, but I didn't start taking estradiol until last summer.  I was  very distrustful of taking medicine again.  I've been on this path since 2015.  Spent 2016-2018 in a non stop effort trying to make up lost time making $ because I had none.  The people on the forums seemed like they were flying all over the place getting operations, etc.  Ive been on disability with insurance my entire adult life, which is a lucky thing.  But I'm not allowed to save money and keep the insurance. (When you earn enough $ the insurance is taken away, this has happened several times).  I think I broke down again in the beginning of 2019. Currently back to  near broke,.but have Medicare.  It is not in my mindset to think that any transexual  procedure would be covered by my insurance.  But it can be in some cases now.

I've never been married and I have no children.  I believe in some ways my sexual development stopped when I was first put on thorazine age 12, so I never really knew.  I told my parents long before before that. You know, before you're old enough to be ashamed?  I learned quick.   That's how I ended up in trouble and in hospitals in the first place.  My parents were not proud that their little boy liked being underneath other boys

I'm 48 now.  Honestly it feels like it's way too late for me.  But I could potentially be around for a while longer.  I'm actually healthy, and kind of pretty in a 48 yr old way (keep dreaming) So I am going through the steps towards operations.  My employment record and finances are not good.  Been getting very irregular facial electrolysis, maybe 100 hours in.

I called my old friend tonight.  She had her primary operations overseas in 1990, a little later than I had thought.  She's maybe 72 now, and says she wishes she had done it much earlier.  Not easy for me to hear, considering my situation, but I just listened.  I don't want her to feel about me the way you have expressed feeling about some people on my position.

I do not want to be a part of a movement.
I am not proud.

Thanks again.

[Maddie]

This past week I contacted the clinic of the surgeon Dr Gast at UW Madison and am waiting to hear back about getting a consultation appointment.  Also have spoken at some length this week with someone from Wisconsin Medicaid.  I have letters of readiness from my counselor and my prescribing doctor.
If I see the surgeon I plan to inquire about my candidacy for full depth vaginoplasty.  Have not really considered orchiectomy, as my T levels have been in a good low range every blood test so far.  My hang ups with surgery are mostly concerns of mutilation or complications. 

I have changed my name and gender marker on all ID including birth certificate and passport.  To be honest even I think it's BS that I can legally do this pre op.  But I did it because I could.  I use men's restrooms in public unless I really, really think I have my act dialed in at the time.  But I mostly stay home and keep a low profile, even before covid. 

Thank you for the support.  If it sounds like I'm missing anything or doing it wrong, please let me know.

[Complete]

Maddie. To be honest, l feel you have been painfully wronged by the "system". I never trusted the system and your story is another reason why. Having been raised by a single mom and an extended family until l was 7, l learned early that the world is not full of rainbows and unicorns. I learned to fend for myself.
It sounds like you were lucky when your "support system" broke down and you had a good taste of personal independence and self reliance. In my book, that is the only way to not just survive, (that is the best they offer, bare/mean survival), but to actually live.
Freedom and personal independence are at the same time addictive and potentially highly rewarding, but also fragile and easily lost.
Comfort, complacency and reliance on others can erode and destroy one's ability to live free and make decisions based on our own best judgement and not the dictates of others.
Sadly, that is what the system rewards, requires and encourages, starting in our educational system and continuing through government handouts and when necessary, force.  Obey, conform, prosper. Or so they say....
I never believed them. Right after college, l quit a cushy gov't job, where productive work was NOT required. What WAS required was conformity and strict adherence to "policy". That policy was updated weekly and interpreted and enforced by the "higher" ups. Retirement was fully vested in 20 years at 70% of highest salary and advancement was based NOT on performance, but strictly on your ability and skills at brown nosing.
What a life! But, not for me. If l had waited twenty years they might even have paid for my "transition". They certainly do now.
So....having suffered my rant, can l offer anything useful. My guess is that the local state funded university not only offers "gender studies", but also has a generous and fully compliant insurance package offered to employees and staff.
You might look into getting off the dole again and getting a job that can/will get you where you want to go. I also think running, tai chi and getting your head on straight would go a long way to accomplishing your goals.
Disclaimer: The above is NOT to be construed or mis-construed as advice. They are simply the ramblings of an old woman who woke up too early and hasn't had her coffee.
Consider at your own peril.

[Maddie]

Currrently waiting to hear back about a consultation with a surgeon for surgery.  I have two required  letters of readiness from a doctor and a counselor.   If I get the consultation, I will inquire into whether I am a candidate, and what kinds of payment or coverage are required for it.

Have a few applications out, and recently attended "interview corral" with masks on, at a big international corporation.  Considering i have very good insurance at this point, it seems risky to give that up considering how close I may be.  We'll see what the surgeon says.
I worked for myself fairly successfully up until a year ago.  I may be able to get back out doing that as well.

It would be positive on a personal level to get back at regular facial hair removal,.    That makes me feel good, except when it's happening.

In the past 24 hrs I've been asked, separately, by a male acquaintance and an old girlfriend  to join them for outdoor activity.  The man would be bringing his kids.

An hour ago,  thought I was dead.  I'll check back on myself later.