Here I am again at 3:30 in the morning with another alcohol and cannabis infused wall-of-text rant:
Crushes and Unrequited Feelings (with a sub-rant about stupid and emotionally unavailable men.) Grrr!
Antisthenes, you can skip this. I’ve been talking to you about this jackwad since the night I met him and began to get over my crush on hunky young Mr. L. You’ve listened to all the fun and good times we’ve had together and listened to me whine and cry on your shoulder and question my own sanity at times for the things I’ve been through with him that weren’t good. How or why you’ve done this and put up with me is a bit of a mystery but having a friend that gives me shit and tough love when I need it is priceless. You told me long ago to dump his sorry broken loser ass and move on and I’ve done that or tried what, three or four times now? -----------------------------
I met this man I’ll call Brad almost 2½ years ago and right away we hit it off and clicked in so many ways. He’s so funny, witty, playful, quirky and smart and a total obnoxious wiseass jerk in a charming adorable way. He’s very well known in our circle, outgoing, popular and friendly to everyone and we developed a close and one of those psychically connected types of intimacies where so much is just said and communicated with a look, an expression or touch. We see and observe things so much the same way and he always seems to know what I’m thinking and feeling and several months into knowing this guy, in spite of not being much to look* at and probably more dysfunctional and screwed up than I am, I really fell for the idiot. *(note: he’s 6’4” and a teddy bear masculine sort of dude I would bone in a heartbeat only if…)
We were always together when we were both there. Most people that didn’t know us often asked if we were married and those that didn’t assumed we were already dating or boyfriend/girlfriend. I have literally spent several hundreds of hours in this man’s company at his side waiting for him to get his act together and realize how great together we would be if we were in a real relationship but as he has always maintained, he wasn’t ready to be more involved.
Knowing his feelings as he’ll tell anybody, he really likes me, likes being with me and loves spending time together (when I’m not being a c-word). Whatever we have it is fun for the both of us but fairly early on, I wanted more and it caused problems. I made it perfectly clear I was his for the taking but beyond flirting and innuendo and slight PDA’s, he’s never wanted to go there and at times I’ve been so confused by this and it’s caused huge conflict and fights between us and I’ve been angry and heartbroken by his chickensh!t “just friends” bullcrap and not spoken to him and avoided him and treated him like dirt or an NPC for weeks or months at a time.
Eventually though starting off frosty, I end up next to him again and we gradually make up and once things are good and we’re close again it is just so natural for me to want to be physically close to him then the emotional thing happens again for me and the cycle repeats.
He was out of state for 3 or 4 months and I had hopes that while he was gone, he’d realize how much he missed me and what he was missing. During some of our ‘break ups”, I’d hoped the same thing – that he would want me the ways that I want him but it’s always been the same old “just friends” crap even though I know how he feels about me. He says I’m attractive and it’s just one of those things you can tell by the way you catch a guy looking at you so I just don’t get it. It’s been sooo confusing.
We’ve talked about everything as I’ve questioned this. Did he have “performance problems” he was embarrassed about or other issues he couldn’t deal with? Was it because I’m years older? Nobody thinks I’m older. Did he just hate all women for the debacle his ex-wife had put him through for four years and
was he a MGTOW? During one of the times we were fighting and pissed at one another I asked him if he even liked girls? Always when pressed, it was him saying it was him, not me, never with explanation or the real reason which is one of the things that has made the most angry about this up and down like a yoyo situation. We had one very loud, very intense and heated very public fight one night when I pressed him for reasons. We didn’t even look at one another for months after.
Maybe a year ago or less (?) because we
were tight when we weren’t hating each other, I even told him about the parts of my life and history he didn’t already know to see if that was one of the reasons? He was more than completely stunned but said since he had absolutely no idea, that wasn’t one of the reasons either. We spent a couple hours one night talking about it and is was quickly forgotten.
After he returned from his months away out of state, we started getting friendly again just as long as I kept my feelings in check and more or less my hands to myself which was nothing but an exercise in frustration. Then the COVID lockdown happened and we didn’t see each other for two months. Once again, I had hoped there was some truth in the old saw, absence makes the heart grow fonder but unfortunately, it did for me but not him. What a surprise.
I’ve seen and spent the evenings with him three times now that the bars are opened up and tonight was no exception. When I got there, he had saved the empty seat next to him because he said he figured I’d be in knowing that Saturday night is my bitch. We laughed, talked, flirted, played music and sang songs and made those stupid I-know-what-you’re-thinking looks into each other’s eyes that’s both disarming and confusing and makes me just want grab him and shake some sense into his stupid brain knowing that I’m the one with the problem.
I ended up giving him a ride home hoping that he would touch me or kiss me goodnight or ask me in (we’ve been to each other’s homes before and he
has kissed me half a dozen times before) or do
something but of course he didn’t even though he did say some nice things and I got half a hug or as much as a big man can give in a tiny little car. At least I didn’t get a fistbump. That’s something right? I do want to touch this man. I want to put my hands around his neck and strangle him.
I just cannot be around this man but I can’t stop being around this man. I love him and I hate him and it’s complicated. I have NEVER been this emotionally involved and connected with ANYONE without having slept together and knowing if we were sexually a good match and if a relationship could work or not? If we’d slept together earlier, like maybe two years ago and it just wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have been left wondering and waiting all this time to find out and maybe
could have moved on? Grrr!
After four years of being down on his luck, beating cancer, having a TV drama worthy protracted divorce, a bunch of other crappy stuff and being unemployed for all this time, he starts a new $100K per year job on Monday that I’m hoping that once he gets back on his feet and his self-esteem and attitude improves, that maybe he’ll reconsider this just friends stupidity and if a relationship still isn’t in the cards to maybe at least be FWBs? In lieu of either of those things, just knowing really what it is about him and not me would go a long way.
I know in my head this is just more wishful thinking and it pisses me off I do this to myself. It sucks to feel so much unexpressed repressed affection and attraction. No wonder I drink. Grrr!
He says he'll be back tomorrow but is leaving at 9:00. Guess where I'll be tomorrow evening. I hate myself sometimes.
To top it all off, there’s someone else close in my life I have another love/hate relationship also with feelings of affection I can’t share even though I know it’s more or less a distraction from the stupid man I want to be with. At least with this one, there’s reasons I understand so it’s easier to deal with but…
GRRR![/rant] Time for bed. Complete was right... I really do need to get laid.
Certainly there’s things other people can rant about? Go for it!
